They say that just like assholes, everyone has an opinion. And just like assholes, most of those opinions usually stink. Well I’m pretty sure that this can be said of the opinions and “advice” of my married friends and relatives when it comes to discussing my love life, or lack thereof.
When you’re single in your 20’s, your non-single friends will tend to offer you their input or suggestions as to how you can land yourself a boyfriend, but it’s usually only when you’re complaining about your situation. When you are in your 30’s however, the unsolicited advice comes pouring in every time somebody finds out that you are still single. Obviously, if you are single and in your 30’s, you must be either a) suicidal, b) socially inept, or c) a total snob. It can’t possibly be that you’re completely normal (well, mostly) and every guy out there sucks. Nope, it’s you, and lucky enough all of your married friends and family members (and strangers) know exactly what you need to do in order to get back on that elusive horse you must so desperately be looking for.
The odds are you’ve probably been spending most of your nights eating ice cream out of the container and bingeing on Netflix rom-com’s, while cradling a box of tissues and praying to your dead grandma for some guidance.
What, just me?
Thankfully your married friends having been expressing their concern and pity (sorry, ahem, sympathy) for you behind your back and have discussed and reached an agreement about what you should be doing to rectify this terrible situation you’ve found yourself in. Thankfully they have come up with some magical and original ideas that, if used correctly and taken seriously, will get you off of that couch and walking down the aisle faster than you can shout “Tinder.”
Unfortunately for them, these are also the thoughts and ideas that will get them punched square in the throat if they dare suggest them to me one more time.
- “What you really need to start doing is put yourself out there more.” Well why the fuck haven’t I thought of that??? I mean that’s just brilliant! Put myself out there more. Now tell me again what the fuck that even means? Does that mean I should plaster myself on every dating site (done), or should I literally stand on the street corner and wait for my soul mate to drive by? Ohhh, you mean I should go out more…? Right, well that makes sense. Ummm, but who would you like me to go out with? You? Because you and the rest of the gang have husbands and children and never go anywhere, so that’s not exactly an option for me. Got it? Great, now STFU.
- “Even though the last guy was a total POS there are still plenty of fish in the sea!” What fucking sea exactly are you referring to? Seriously, where is this elusive sea of amazing men that everyone keeps talking about? It must be located somewhere next to the fountain of youth, probably past the end of the rainbow and at the edge of the pot of gold. I’m sure I’ll recognize it – it will be the sea that the unicorns are drinking from! I’d be happy to go fishing there if you can give me directions to this mythical stream of ecstasy! Can’t do it? Aw, that’s too bad. Now STFU.
- “You should find a hobby in the meantime.” Great idea! I’ve heard that there are just TONS of eligible men in the Underwater Basket-Weaving Club and at the jewelry making workshop at the local college. Oh, that’s not what you meant? Or perhaps I should join a co-ed football league or take up racecar driving? Look, I spent $40 a month for my gym membership and about $600 a month to put my dog in daycare. Considering that he’s actually a whinier bitch than I am, that’s how it’s going to have to be for now. So unless I meet some hottie at my yoga class or unless some guy shows up at my doorstep when I am in the middle of reading a good book or writing this blog (all hobbies, thanks), it doesn’t look like any of my hobbies is going to get me laid. So unless you want to add more time to the day and money to my bank account in order for me to add new hobbies to my repertoire, how about you just keep your fat mouth shut? Hmmkay?
- “You really should start giving more guys a chance (aka – lower your standards).” This is one of my favorite pieces of advice. It’s code for “how about you start dating ugly guys or toolbags and just accept that they are the best you can do at this point, because, hey, anybody is better than nobody, right?” Um, wrong. And go fuck yourself! I consider myself to be a solid 8 – probably closer to 9 with my awesome personality (whatever, it’s good to have healthy self-esteem, but talk to me again next week…) so I am sorry if I think that I shouldn’t have to date a loser or someone who I do not find physically appealing. I know you think that I will literally die if I do not meet someone, but I assure you, I will be fine. Luckily they make these things called vibrators!
- “Once you stop looking, that’s when he will come along.” Ohhh, is that how it works?? So you mean to tell me that if I just delete all of my online dating accounts and just sit home looking pretty all day, prince charming will just show up at my door and rescue me?? Got it! Oh, that’s not what you meant?? Right. How about you practice that whole shutting the fuck up now, k?
- “You should totally let people set you up with their single guy friends!” What single guy friends??? Do you not think that I have asked every person that I know if them or their husbands have any single guy friends? Give me some credit! There are no single guy friends. They do not exist!! Or if they do, there is a very, very good reason that they are single! Ya getting what I’m putting out? Cool. Now shut your face.
- “Get a dog!” Done. He’s the best. He costs me nearly as much as a toddler, needs constant attention, and is going to be a total cock-block if and when I ever meet a guy, considering I can no longer spend the night anywhere or have a guy over without him losing his shit. Great idea. Any other solid plans you got for me while you’re at it? Just kidding – that pimp is the greatest dog in the world, but I’m still not sure how he’s going to get me a date? Cuter profile pics?? Ooooh, I get it! You’ve basically given up on me and don’t want me to spend the rest of my life alone!! I would thank you, but I have to stop typing right now because my dog just finished eating a shoe and is now barking his face off at the apparent ghost in the living room right now, so I gotta go deal with that…
- “Just go about your normal routine, and always make sure you look great. You’ll end up meeting someone where you least expect it!” Right, because you hear all the time about that amazing couple that met while pumping gas. Considering my normal routine consists of driving to work (where I see the same people every day – and none of them are men), driving home, taking the dog to and from daycare, getting gas, getting food delivered or going food shopping, and going to my yoga classes, I would say that the odds of me meeting my dream guy during my normal routine are pretty slim to none. But thanks for the advice, I’ll definitely be sure to give the delivery guy a second look next time. Douche.
- “Maybe you should try expanding your location preferences.” Apparently when you can’t find someone who lives within a 50 mile radius, you should just say “fuck it” and expand your distance preferences to “infinity.” Because dating someone 800 miles away is better than nothing right? Basically, once again, you’re telling me to forget about the things that I want in a guy, such as, I don’t know, reasonable proximity, and I should just take whatever I can get, even if he lives in another state or country? And how will that get me laid more than I’m already getting laid?? That’s right, it won’t. But it will certainly be expensive as fuck to date him! Oh, and have you not seen “Catfished?” Because I have. In fact, I lived it. So why don’t you take your long distance dating advice and shove it up your ass!
- “In the meantime, why don’t you just find a ‘friends with benefits’?” Aka – Hey girl, just because you can’t find a boyfriend doesn’t mean that you can’t still be getting some action! Go out there and find someone to have fun with while you’re waiting to meet someone! Wow – why the hell hadn’t I thought of that?? Oh wait, I know why. Probably because if I could find a man who I wanted to fuck, we wouldn’t be having this fucking conversation right now! Granted, a guy who wants to sleep with me isn’t necessarily looking for a relationship, but my problem isn’t that I can’t find a guy to throw me a bone, pun intended. My problem is that I can’t find a guy who’s bone I want to bone! Do you think I am becoming a born again virgin because I am having a religious moment? If I could be getting laid, I would be. I just don’t enjoy sex with unattractive guys who have bad personalities and who have no qualities that I am looking for. That’s all. But thanks for the awesome advice, once again.
Ugh. Seriously people. Just shut up! Stop offering advice. Stop thinking you know what we need to do to find our soul mates. You seriously don’t know shit and none of your ideas are remotely original. You are our friends and we love you for your many qualities, none of which include your ability to give remotely decent suggestions when it comes to meeting a guy. So how about giving up on the whole Dr. Drew routine and just stick to what you do best, texting us pictures of shoes and bags, and gossiping about all of our other friends behind their backs…