I feel like I’ve heard about the so-called 50% divorce rate for as long as I can remember. But lately I am struggling to figure out where exactly these “experts” are getting their numbers from, especially since I seem to be the only girl that I know sitting home on the weekends with my thumb up my ass, while all of my friends are hanging with their husbands and kids. I am on nearly every dating site imaginable, and at this point I can’t open up an app without recognizing dozens of guys that I’ve already ignored on some other app. It’s the same sea of faces over and over again wherever I turn. And it blows. These “dating apps” used to at least be able to amuse and entertain me if nothing else, but they don’t even do that anymore. All they do now is create a sense of panic as I begin to realize that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. I practically shit myself with excitement on the rare occasion that a new and attractive profile of a single man appears. However the hyperventilation and underboob sweat quickly subsides when I reach out to him and never hear back. I think it may be easier to catch Bigfoot than it is to catch the eye of any newbies, since they immediately get swarmed by all of the other piranhas the minute they create their profiles. The idea of fighting for a man’s attention is about as appealing to me as a yeast infection…
Since I have spent numerous weekends Netflixing and chilling with myself, let’s just say that I have had a lot of time on my hands to ponder where on earth all the single men my age are. Sorry, NORMAL single men; the psychopaths are on Tinder. And I have reached a frightening conclusion – they are all with their wives! So I am left with only one question – when are all of you assholes getting divorced already??
You know you’ve reached a new low when you begin to secretly hope that more people your age start getting divorced. Look, before you tell me which hole to stick it in, let me just clarify that I only want the unhappily married people to get divorced (which we all know is probably a much larger percentage than the happily married ones). I’m not proud of myself, but it’s a fucking rough, cruel, desolate world out there, and the well is drying up quickly. I’m not thinking of anyone specific (no offense friends, but I don’t want any of your husbands – gross) but I just think overall if enough people start to call it quits, I will have a lot more options and I won’t have to verbally dry hump every new guy that shows up on Tinder. Besides, there is another huge bonus that comes with your friends getting divorced – you have more single girls to hang out with! And truth be told, drinking in your sweatpants on a Saturday night while watching Housewives reruns is a lot more fun with friends, just saying. Being the only member of the Divorced Club sucks a big one, especially on the weekends when you have zero options of things to do and places to go (unless you want to be the creepy girl alone at a bar who they later make a CSI episode about – um, pass), so I would happily welcome the miserable company of other husbandless women if I can’t find a guy right now. Either way, at this rate, I literally am going to have to flip the cushions on my couch over because of the permanent ass imprint that I have created from too many weekends alone watching TV with my dog.
Hate me all you want, but I’m not saying anything that all other women in my situation aren’t thinking. Is it mean of me to wish divorce on people? Probably. But it’s also pretty unfair that my generation appears to be trying to set a record for the most intact marriages since our grandparent’s generation. Apparently I didn’t get that memo. What happened to the old seven-year itch?? Why aren’t you guys fucking scratching already? WTF? Look, I’m all for marriage and commitment (kumbaya, ok?), but only if I am a part of it. When it comes to relationships, I am not a team player. If I can’t have one than none of you should, as far as I am concerned! So hey, you married folk, just admit that you’re growing tired of your spouses and call your fucking lawyers already! Jeez. Divorce is totally normal; after all, half of the married couples are doing it these days, right??? Your kids will be fine (just look at me), they will get double the presents on the holidays – no need to stay together for them. So how about doing me and all of the other single ladies a huge solid and start becoming one of those mythical 50 percenters that “they” have alleged actually exist. Because, seriously, I need some new blood in my dating pool. If you would just buck up like I did and give up your man for someone else (you’re welcome bitch), I would have so many more men to choose from. And that is a giant win for me! A win for all of us, if you think about it. But – if your dude sucks, KEEP HIM – seriously. We have all the suckage that we can handle over here without another one of yours.