I know I’ve told you before that when it comes to dating, that sometimes it really is the woman who is the problem. Sometimes YOU are the reason you’re still single. And I still stand by that statement. However, as we all know, sometimes it really is that douchebag that you unfortunately fell for that is the reason why things could never have worked out. Sure, we have all made terrible choices, and many times we have done stupid things that have caused relationships to fail, in which instances things really were our own fault. Other times though, we were just unlucky enough to fall for the bullshit of a guy who is actually afraid of being with a real woman. A strong woman.
And aside from perhaps ignoring the many bright red flags waving in the wind (wake up bitch!), telling you that this guy is a totally phony, falling for a guy who is too pathetic to handle a real woman…? That is never your fault!
Sometimes, regardless of how amazing you are, you will continue to find yourself stuck in a cycle with the worst type of man – a man who will pretend to want the strong, confident, incredible woman that you are, but who really just doesn’t have the balls and the confidence in himself to be able to handle you without feeling like you are overshadowing his greatness. You see, for many men, strong women are just plain threatening to their ego.
But you will never hear a man admit that.
In fact, just the opposite, most men will claim, self-righteously, that they are only attracted to strong women; that the confidence of a woman who has her shit together and who’s not afraid to speak her mind is sexy. But if that were actually true, if all of these men were really attracted to strong, independent women, then why do so many of them end up in relationships with the exact opposite type of woman than they claim to be looking for?
Well, it’s because a lot of men are really just pussies.
That’s right. Pussies.
Not all men. Many men are actually able to see and appreciate the amazing fortune that they are blessed with when they are lucky enough to stumble upon a women who has the many qualities that will keep him on his toes and that will push his boundaries, nudging him out of his comfort zone, and encouraging him to question, learn, and grow on a continuous basis, even if at times it can feel exhausting. Many men realize that spending time with a woman like that, calling a woman like that “theirs” is a badge of honor. But it takes a certain type of man to be able to really appreciate all that a strong woman has to offer without feeling intimidated, or feeling as though he is living in her shadow. And, unfortunately, these days there are just not as many strong men around as there used to be.
As a self-proclaimed “strong woman” this is the challenge that I find myself facing as I venture back into the world of dating. I just don’t think weakness is attractive in a man. And by weakness I don’t mean physical strength nor do I mean showing emotions (which to me is actually a sign of strength, not weakness), rather I mean men who would prefer to be with a Stepford Wife or a completely docile woman, because the alternative is just too threatening to their own sense of self.
Look, everyone has a type, and not all men and women are created equally. If you’re a guy, and you’re type is a more quiet, reserved, and perhaps submissive woman – that’s great! There is nothing wrong with you and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her! There is no shame in your game if that is what you want and if that is what you go for! My issue lies in the many men that I have met, and continue to meet, who pretend that they want a woman who will be their equal, or possibly a woman who will be even better than they are. There is nothing wrong in admitting that you’d prefer to “wear the pants” in your relationship (not that dating a strong woman means that you have to wear the skirt), but there is plenty wrong in pretending that you have the confidence to handle being with someone powerful when you clearly don’t. Especially when that results in you dating a woman who you just aren’t “man enough” for and wasting her time pretending that you are.
I totally get why many men find women like me “too much.” There are many qualities that strong women have that a weak man just can’t handle. For example, strong women:
- Have opinions and are not afraid to speak up.
- Ask for and expect things from the men they date (such as respect, honesty, and loyalty).
- Demand answers when they feel they deserve some.
- Call men out on their shit, as opposed to sitting back and just accepting asshole-ish behavior.
- Refuse to be pushovers or doormats.
- Expect to be appreciated and thanked.
- Expect recognition and praise for their achievements.
- Demand compromises and fair fights.
- Will want to be with men who have those same qualities, and will give the same back in return, and often much, much more.
For a weak man, this can not only be intimidating, but completely threatening to his ego and his entire existence. A weak man cannot allow a woman to ever outshine him, whereas a strong man is happy and proud to have a woman on his arm who he can take anywhere and who he knows will be able to hold her own. He won’t be threatened by her stealing the spotlight, but rather will find it incredibly attractive and amusing when she does. A strong man will get a kick out of being outsmarted by his woman and will brag about her intelligence, knowing that it doesn’t make him inferior or any less bright, but rather it makes him smarter (and luckier) for choosing to be with someone who has knowledge, substance, charisma, and a “don’t fuck with me” attitude. Because a weak man is constantly comparing himself to others, and is always in competition mode, he simply cannot handle actually being with a woman like that. However, a weak man will pretend that’s the type of woman he’s ultimately looking for, because he lives his life pretending to be a “strong man.”
I’ve had many exes who have dated amazing, powerful, and successful women both before and after me. Clearly they have a “type” that involves more than just good looks, but that also requires a specific kind of attitude as well. However, I have also seen exes end up with women who I could literally eat for breakfast. The same men who will sing my praises and tell me how refreshing and attractive it is to be with a woman who is outgoing, outspoken at times, independent, and who can challenge him intellectually, will end up with a woman who is my complete and total opposite.
I used to take it personally, wondering if maybe I am just too much to handle, but I have since realized that those men are just too lazy and too narcissistic to actually be with someone who will dare to be “better than them” at anything, and who will actually challenge them to grow as men. To them, a perfect relationship looks like this:
- They are the boss, no questions asked. Period. They call all of the shots, and if you don’t like it, there’s the door (knowing full well that the woman they are with will never, ever choose the door).
- They are “better” than the woman they choose to be with, in every realm of life, since this makes them feel better about themselves. This means that they:
- Have a more successful career and make more money.
- Consider themselves to be more intelligent.
- Have had more life experiences, and therefore are more “worldly” than their partner – which allows them to talk down to them and treat them like idiots or children.
- Are more confident, even if it’s just an act, than the woman they are dating.
- Consider themselves to be the better looking one.
- Consider themselves sexually superior.
- Take every opportunity to make sure that these women are aware of these inequalities, therefore making the women feel grateful for being “chosen.”
- They can easily manipulate the woman that they are with because they know she will be too afraid to question them or call them out on their shit, in fear that he will break up with her.
- They get to decide how the relationship will go – they set the schedule, deciding when and if they will spend time with her, have the final say in what activities they do together, determine how serious things will get and when they will get there (sometimes denying that persons existence from family and friends).
- Play the break up / make-up game as often as they want, usually just for the pleasure of knowing that they can get away with it and for the small ego boost that they derive from the begging and the tears, as well as the sick joy they get from being “allowed” to say terrible things that they will later be forgiven for.
- They will be the first to “tease” and talk shit about the woman that they are with in front of her or behind her back in an attempt to convince others, and perhaps himself, that he’s just biding his time with this one.
What many men don’t understand is that most women, regardless of their different personality traits, are natural givers. For most of us, it makes us feel good to be needed and to help make somebody’s life better. But strong women will only give so much, without getting anything in return, before they become completely and utterly disgusted. Strong women will know when enough is enough and when the last chance has been given, and strong women will walk away and never look back.
A weak man wants a woman who will continue to give and give and give, all the while getting nothing more than table scraps in return, and who will be too afraid to rock the boat and demand more for herself. He is a “taker” by nature and, quite humorously, thinks it “weak” to give too much of himself to anyone (mostly because he is selfish). A weak man does not like the unspoken “ultimatum” that exists when he is with a strong women; that knowledge that he will only get so many chances and that she will only put up with his shit for so long before she realizes that she is way too good for a guy like him. That is too much power for a weak man to relinquish.
And, ironically, weak men are obsessed with power.
There’s pretty much nothing less attractive than that.