I know I’ve told you before that when it comes to dating, that sometimes it really is the woman who is the problem. Sometimes YOU are the reason you’re still single. And I still stand by that statement. However, as we all know, sometimes it really is that douchebag that you unfortunately fell for that is the reason why things could never have worked out. Sure, we have all made terrible choices, and many times we have done stupid things that have caused relationships to fail, in which instances things really were our own fault. Other times though, we were just unlucky enough to fall for the bullshit of a guy who is actually afraid of being with a real woman. A strong woman.
And aside from perhaps ignoring the many bright red flags waving in the wind (wake up bitch!), telling you that this guy is a totally phony, falling for a guy who is too pathetic to handle a real woman…? That is never your fault!
It has become evident that I am slightly obsessed with the fact that I am in my mid 30’s and currently single with no prospects on the horizon. I’ve spent some time during my recent dating hiatus trying to figure out why this has become an obsession of mine (I mean, I started a blog about it for f*ck’s sake!), and I have reached certain conclusions.
My best friend, Harry, is a sex addict. Or at least that was the story we were going with, up until a couple of months ago when he miraculously had a “come to Jesus” moment (or rather more like a “I think I’ll try to be a good boy for a little while, just to see how long I can stand it” moment) and decided to stop sleeping with anything with a vagina and a car. For a while there, his bedroom was a revolving door of women, sometimes too many for me to keep track of, all vying for Harry’s love and attention. There were times I wish I could have warned some of these poor ladies, since nobody knows what a futile task it is to try to win Harry’s heart more than I do, but being his “bestie” I could only listen, often laugh (sorry – terrible, I know), and attempt, unsuccessfully, to beat some sense into his thick head. The truth is, it wouldn’t have mattered what, if anything, I had said to any women in his life, because there is just something about Harry that can make even the most sensible woman lose her goddamn mind.
I haven’t had much luck when it comes to love (shocking, I know). Sure I’ve been in several long term relationships, and was even married for a little while, but I’ve never been able to make anything stick. Whether they left me, I left them, or we mutually agreed to split, the culminating result has always been the same – I always ended up being the last girl before they met THE girl. Continue reading
So, you’ve been single for awhile? Feeling a little down and out? Wondering why you keep finding yourself in one dead-end relationship after another; why every new guy who gets you a little excited and hopeful just ends up turning into another typical douchebag?
Well let me shoot it to you straight. It’s not you. You’re great (unless you’re not)! BUT, your game could definitely use some help. It’s possible that you are committing relationship sabotage and you don’t even know it. So with that in mind, here are some useful tips that may help prevent you from fucking up the next good thing that comes along:
There are two types of single women out there. Well ok, there are a lot more than two “types” of single women, but for the purpose of this blog I’m going to narrow it down to just two – single girl before 30 and single girl after 30, or B30 and A30. Both girls may be single at the exact same time, but they lead dramatically different lives.
I’ve spent some years being single both in my 20’s and in my 30’s, so I would consider myself to be an expert on this topic, and I can tell you that every time I hear a single girl in her 20’s complain about her singledom, I want to punch her in her throat.
These are the many ways that being single in your 20’s is a fucking cakewalk compared to being single in your 30’s:
I’ve decided that if I am really going to blame anyone for my current situation I am going to blame my vagina. In fact, I have decided that I hold her 99% responsible for the demise of every single one of my relationships. Now don’t get me wrong, she and I have been besties for a while (except for that 7 year period in which she completely abandoned me during my marriage – but more on that at another time). In fact, she has become the one friend that I can count on to almost always make me happy….which is why it’s hard for me to say this – but I fucking hate the bitch.
So I was out at a bar the other night with my only other single friend. We had gotten some prime real estate at a high-top table by the bar, ordered some drinks, and waited for the hot single guys to start walking in. Clearly we must have been high, because at our ages (35 and 39) hot and single are practically oxymoron’s. If a really attractive guy walks in you can bet one of three things: a) he’s married, b) he’s gay, or c) he’s an enormous douchebag with intimacy issues. A hot, available, and emotionally stable guy is about as common as a unicorn. And if a unicorn were to trot into the bar I was in, the competition to lasso and mount that bitch would be fierce!
So it’s a Saturday night, and like many other Saturday nights in the past few months, I am sitting on my couch still wearing the pajamas that I woke up in, watching my dog sit on strike next to his full food bowl, staring at me in silent protest. Not sure what his problem is, but it probably has to do with the fact that I am no fun and that he definitely did not hit the mommy lottery when he got stuck with me. Most likely he’s thinking to himself, “bitch, seriously, go take a shower already and preferably get out of the house, you loser, so I can destroy some shit up in here.” The fact that my 5-month old puppy has a more active social life than me (I mean, he has become friendly with at least 3 dogs in the neighborhood) has not gone unnoticed by either of us. Continue reading