I don’t believe that we only get only one love in our lives. In fact, I believe that if we are lucky, or unlucky depending on how you view it, we can end up having many loves throughout our life. I think that as we grow, and as our lives go in different directions, our ability to love and the kind of people we are able to fall in love with change along with us. I know this from experience, as I have already fallen in love several times. The fact that I can love often and easily, with total abandonment has not always served me well, especially when I haven’t allowed myself to recover from the loss of one love before moving on to another. At times the colors of our different relationships can run together, creating a murky mess. That’s precisely what ended up happening to me.
It was over a year ago when we both swiped right. Who could have ever known that an innocuous flick of the finger would end up having such an impact on my life. Our romance, if you want to call it that, took me by surprise, since you were not the type of guy that I usually went for. I should have known when I agreed to meet you on that cold, December Thursday night, against all of my better instincts, that I was going to be in trouble. You did everything right, selling me the story that I had been longing to hear – about your desires for something meaningful, and how you were a one woman type of guy. You pursued me hard out of the gate, but I admit it didn’t take much convincing. It was on our second date, when you ordered the tuna that I said looked good (which you hate) and then kissed me in the rain under our umbrellas when I felt the butterflies for the first time. Those damn butterflies – they would stay with me until long after I wished them away.
Regret. What an ugly word…
Regret is the type of word that leaves a bitter aftertaste when it comes out of your mouth. And it should – because it has such an awful connotation. To regret means to acknowledge that you have made some terrible decisions and to wish that you could go back in time and do things over.
Lately I have been having a lot of regrets.
- I regret not fighting harder for my marriage.
- I regret wasting my time on the wrong people.
- I regret swiping right.
- I regret making decisions that I am no longer sure I should have made.
- I regret starting some relationships and ending others.
I was 25 years old when I met the man I would eventually marry…and divorce 7 years later. I remember spending a lot of time in my late teens and early 20’s crying over random, loser guys and wondering if I would ever find the “one.” Truth be told, I would love to go back and punch that whiny girl in the face. If I knew then what I know now…let’s just say that heartache in early adulthood is a walk in the park compared to heartache at 35. I would give anything to go back to that time, that time before real life, real jobs, mortgages, and ex-husbands and just shake myself. I would love to tell my old self that the next 10 years were going to be quite trying and would test me in every way possible; that I would need to develop some thick skin and learn some better coping skills.