Back in the Saddle Again. Kind of.

saddle

So I’ve gotten back on the horse, so to speak. Well maybe not back on, but I have been inching my way onto the saddle. After taking a couple of months off of dating, or rather attempted dating, I am giving the whole “hunt for my future husband” (hahaha, who are we kidding, more like the guy who I can hang out with, sleep with, and order in take-out with on a somewhat consistent basis) another try. I guess you can say that things are going slightly better this time around, if by better you mean that I have a few new phone numbers in my phone. However, as with most things in life, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

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Reasons Why I Will Ignore Your Messages on Dating Sites (unless you’re gorgeous…)

dating

So let’s assume for a moment that you’re a dude. And let’s assume that you are currently on several online dating websites and apps. Now let’s take a real leap of faith and assume that you are actually looking for a relationship, and not just to get laid...crazy, I know.

How’s that been going for you?

For some men, online dating is like a virtual mall of pretty women who they can put into their shopping carts while they decide whether or not they want to buy them. Those men have an easy time finding women who will interact with them and who will actually meet them in person. Whether or not those men are totally sincere or complete dicks is to be determined, but the reality is, when it comes to sealing the deal (whether that meets getting a phone number, a date, a relationship, or just getting laid), they are successful. So why aren’t you?

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The Online Dating Game – A Reflection

reflection

As my love sabbatical reaches its final weeks, I’ve had some time to ponder about why I despise online dating as much as I do. For one thing, I find the whole idea to be completely unnatural, but that’s probably because in my mind it’s still 1995 and my see-through pager clipped onto my waistband is my most technologically advanced mode of communication. I suppose I should just accept that this is how shit works these days, but I don’t roll like that. I always want to fight the system. Basically, I’m a pain in the ass.

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Catfished – Part 3

Part 3

“There is something I need to tell you…..”

That was the text message that I got the day after Christmas, about 4 months after I “met” Kevin on Tinder, and a few months after he had a complete nervous breakdown.

“I have lied to you. I am married and not the person you’ve seen in my pictures. Please do not contact me again. I have blocked your number and will not see any response you might have to this message.”

Are. You. Fucking. Serious?????

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Catfished – Part 2

catfished

Previously on Catfished – Part 1 Kevin had allegedly had a mental breakdown and had been taken to Connecticut to recover at his mother’s house.

The next morning I sat at work sick to my stomach, wondering what the fuck had just happened. Almost on cue I receive a text message. It was from Kevin’s phone, but it wasn’t Kevin. It was his sister, Jenny. She was texting to let me know that he had arrived safely at their mom’s house, and that she had taken his phone away from him because “he had been writing crazy things to his friends,” but that he had asked her to reach out to me to keep me posted and to thank me for being there for him. We had an uncomfortable brief exchange about how I knew him, and she said she that no offense, but the whole thing seemed a little weird to her. Awkward…

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Catfished – Part 1

catfished

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…well for a lot of people at least. For some of us, not so much. As we are in the midst of the holiday season with Christmas soon approaching, most people are looking forward to spending time celebrating with their families, and perhaps reminiscing of holidays past. For me, however, this particular Christmas certainly has me reminiscing, but not about warm and fuzzy memories.

It was Christmas day last year, when the guy that I had been speaking to for the past 3 months called me up from his “mother’s” house and said a quick hello while his “nieces and nephews” were screaming in the background. I remember being really happy to have received that call considering how rough things had been the two months prior. Perhaps I should backtrack…

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Nice to meet you…now show me your t*ts

tinder

Two nights ago I was texting with a guy I had matched with on Tinder about a week earlier. We had been texting via the app for about 5 days and had just exchanged numbers so that we could bring our conversation offline. He seemed pretty normal so far, had a pretty good sense of humor, and had asked some general questions about my life and had checked in during the course of the week to see how my days had been going. We both mentioned that we were looking for something more serious at this point in our lives, so seemingly we were on the same page. But that night, inevitably the conversation turned sexual. Continue reading

152 Hours of My Life That I Can Never Get Back

morning-time-alarm-bell

I once spent 13 hours talking on the phone with a guy I met online. THIRTEEN HOURS! We had exchanged a few messages, then exchanged numbers, and then spent the entire night, until sunrise, telling each other our entire life stories. Conversation came so easily that the hours flew by before we even knew it. Needless to say I was pretty excited to meet him… which we were obviously going to do… because who spends 13 hours on the phone with someone and then doesn’t want to meet them? Right?? The next night we spoke for about another 6 hours – planning our first date as well as naming our future children together. We made plans to meet the following weekend. Then the night before we were supposed to meet, he sent me a text telling me that he had to leave on a “last minute business trip.” I never heard from him again. (P.S. He had the balls to check out my profile again a few months later. BALLS.)

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Online Dating: Where Your Hopes and Dreams Go to Die

Always the bridesmaid…What it’s like to always be the girl before THE girl What it’s like to always be the girl before THE girl November 28, 2015 ~ 5 Comments ~ Edit I haven’t had much luck when it comes to love (shocking, I know). Sure I’ve been in several long term relationships, and was even married for a little while, but I’ve never been able to make anything stick. Whether they left me, I left them, or we mutually agreed to split, the culminating result has always been the same – I always ended up being the last girl before they met THE girl. I’m not quite sure you can possibly understand how soul-sucking and emotionally debilitating it is to see every man you’ve ever loved find their actual “soul mate” right after your relationship ends unless you’ve experienced it for yourself. You expect your exes to move on and meet other people, sure, but it’s a bit jarring when they all end up meeting “the one” right away, as has been the case for me. You start to wonder if your entire purpose in life is to turn men into the best versions of themselves so that they can go out there and be those amazing people for somebody else. Continue reading → Share this: Like this: It’s Not You, It’s You… It's not me its you - woman lying on grass November 21, 2015 ~ Leave a comment ~ Edit So, you’ve been single for awhile? Feeling a little down and out? Wondering why you keep finding yourself in one dead-end relationship after another; why every new guy who gets you a little excited and hopeful just ends up turning into another typical douchebag? Well let me shoot it to you straight. It’s not you. You’re great (unless you’re not)! BUT, your game could definitely use some help. It’s possible that you are committing relationship sabotage and you don’t even know it. So with that in mind, here are some useful tips that may help prevent you from fucking up the next good thing that comes along: Continue reading → Share this: Like this: A Tale of Two Singles two-women-on-sea-sunny-beach-holiday November 15, 2015 ~ 3 Comments ~ Edit There are two types of single women out there. Well ok, there are a lot more than two “types” of single women, but for the purpose of this blog I’m going to narrow it down to just two – single girl before 30 and single girl after 30, or B30 and A30. Both girls may be single at the exact same time, but they lead dramatically different lives. I’ve spent some years being single both in my 20’s and in my 30’s, so I would consider myself to be an expert on this topic, and I can tell you that every time I hear a single girl in her 20’s complain about her singledom, I want to punch her in her throat. These are the many ways that being single in your 20’s is a fucking cakewalk compared to being single in your 30’s: Continue reading → Share this: Like this: 152 Hours of My Life That I Can Never Get Back morning-time-alarm-bell November 8, 2015 ~ 8 Comments ~ Edit I once spent 13 hours talking on the phone with a guy I met online. THIRTEEN HOURS! We had exchanged a few messages, then exchanged numbers, and then spent the entire night, until sunrise, telling each other our entire life stories. Conversation came so easily that the hours flew by before we even knew it. Needless to say I was pretty excited to meet him… which we were obviously going to do… because who spends 13 hours on the phone with someone and then doesn’t want to meet them? Right?? The next night we spoke for about another 6 hours – planning our first date as well as naming our future children together. We made plans to meet the following weekend. Then the night before we were supposed to meet, he sent me a text telling me that he had to leave on a “last minute business trip.” I never heard from him again. (P.S. He had the balls to check out my profile again a few months later. BALLS.) Continue reading → Share this: Like this: The 7 Year Itch That Nobody’s Scratching man-couple-people-woman October 30, 2015 ~ Leave a comment ~ Edit I feel like I’ve heard about the so-called 50% divorce rate for as long as I can remember. But lately I am struggling to figure out where exactly these “experts” are getting their numbers from, especially since I seem to be the only girl that I know sitting home on the weekends with my thumb up my ass, while all of my friends are hanging with their husbands and kids. I am on nearly every dating site imaginable, and at this point I can’t open up an app without recognizing dozens of guys that I’ve already ignored on some other app. It’s the same sea of faces over and over again wherever I turn. And it blows. These “dating apps” used to at least be able to amuse and entertain me if nothing else, but they don’t even do that anymore. All they do now is create a sense of panic as I begin to realize that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. I practically shit myself with excitement on the rare occasion that a new and attractive profile of a single man appears. However the hyperventilation and underboob sweat quickly subsides when I reach out to him and never hear back. I think it may be easier to catch Bigfoot than it is to catch the eye of any newbies, since they immediately get swarmed by all of the other piranhas the minute they create their profiles. The idea of fighting for a man’s attention is about as appealing to me as a yeast infection… Continue reading → Share this: Like this: My Vagina is a Bossy C*nt Who’s Ruining My Life bed-945881_1920 October 23, 2015 ~ 2 Comments ~ Edit I’ve decided that if I am really going to blame anyone for my current situation I am going to blame my vagina. In fact, I have decided that I hold her 99% responsible for the demise of every single one of my relationships. Now don’t get me wrong, she and I have been besties for a while (except for that 7 year period in which she completely abandoned me during my marriage – but more on that at another time). In fact, she has become the one friend that I can count on to almost always make me happy….which is why it’s hard for me to say this – but I fucking hate the bitch. Continue reading → Share this: Like this: 6’s are the new 10’s lego-671593_1280 October 17, 2015 ~ Leave a comment ~ Edit So I was out at a bar the other night with my only other single friend. We had gotten some prime real estate at a high-top table by the bar, ordered some drinks, and waited for the hot single guys to start walking in. Clearly we must have been high, because at our ages (35 and 39) hot and single are practically oxymoron’s. If a really attractive guy walks in you can bet one of three things: a) he’s married, b) he’s gay, or c) he’s an enormous douchebag with intimacy issues. A hot, available, and emotionally stable guy is about as common as a unicorn. And if a unicorn were to trot into the bar I was in, the competition to lasso and mount that bitch would be fierce! Continue reading → Share this: Like this: Online Dating: Where Your Hopes and Dreams Go to Die

So it’s a Saturday night, and like many other Saturday nights in the past few months, I am sitting on my couch still wearing the pajamas that I woke up in, watching my dog sit on strike next to his full food bowl, staring at me in silent protest.  Not sure what his problem is, but it probably has to do with the fact that I am no fun and that he definitely did not hit the mommy lottery when he got stuck with me. Most likely he’s thinking to himself, “bitch, seriously, go take a shower already and preferably get out of the house, you loser, so I can destroy some shit up in here.” The fact that my 5-month old puppy has a more active social life than me (I mean, he has become friendly with at least 3 dogs in the neighborhood) has not gone unnoticed by either of us. Continue reading