Online Dating: Where Your Hopes and Dreams Go to Die

Always the bridesmaid…What it’s like to always be the girl before THE girl What it’s like to always be the girl before THE girl November 28, 2015 ~ 5 Comments ~ Edit I haven’t had much luck when it comes to love (shocking, I know). Sure I’ve been in several long term relationships, and was even married for a little while, but I’ve never been able to make anything stick. Whether they left me, I left them, or we mutually agreed to split, the culminating result has always been the same – I always ended up being the last girl before they met THE girl. I’m not quite sure you can possibly understand how soul-sucking and emotionally debilitating it is to see every man you’ve ever loved find their actual “soul mate” right after your relationship ends unless you’ve experienced it for yourself. You expect your exes to move on and meet other people, sure, but it’s a bit jarring when they all end up meeting “the one” right away, as has been the case for me. You start to wonder if your entire purpose in life is to turn men into the best versions of themselves so that they can go out there and be those amazing people for somebody else. Continue reading → Share this: Like this: It’s Not You, It’s You… It's not me its you - woman lying on grass November 21, 2015 ~ Leave a comment ~ Edit So, you’ve been single for awhile? Feeling a little down and out? Wondering why you keep finding yourself in one dead-end relationship after another; why every new guy who gets you a little excited and hopeful just ends up turning into another typical douchebag? Well let me shoot it to you straight. It’s not you. You’re great (unless you’re not)! BUT, your game could definitely use some help. It’s possible that you are committing relationship sabotage and you don’t even know it. So with that in mind, here are some useful tips that may help prevent you from fucking up the next good thing that comes along: Continue reading → Share this: Like this: A Tale of Two Singles two-women-on-sea-sunny-beach-holiday November 15, 2015 ~ 3 Comments ~ Edit There are two types of single women out there. Well ok, there are a lot more than two “types” of single women, but for the purpose of this blog I’m going to narrow it down to just two – single girl before 30 and single girl after 30, or B30 and A30. Both girls may be single at the exact same time, but they lead dramatically different lives. I’ve spent some years being single both in my 20’s and in my 30’s, so I would consider myself to be an expert on this topic, and I can tell you that every time I hear a single girl in her 20’s complain about her singledom, I want to punch her in her throat. These are the many ways that being single in your 20’s is a fucking cakewalk compared to being single in your 30’s: Continue reading → Share this: Like this: 152 Hours of My Life That I Can Never Get Back morning-time-alarm-bell November 8, 2015 ~ 8 Comments ~ Edit I once spent 13 hours talking on the phone with a guy I met online. THIRTEEN HOURS! We had exchanged a few messages, then exchanged numbers, and then spent the entire night, until sunrise, telling each other our entire life stories. Conversation came so easily that the hours flew by before we even knew it. Needless to say I was pretty excited to meet him… which we were obviously going to do… because who spends 13 hours on the phone with someone and then doesn’t want to meet them? Right?? The next night we spoke for about another 6 hours – planning our first date as well as naming our future children together. We made plans to meet the following weekend. Then the night before we were supposed to meet, he sent me a text telling me that he had to leave on a “last minute business trip.” I never heard from him again. (P.S. He had the balls to check out my profile again a few months later. BALLS.) Continue reading → Share this: Like this: The 7 Year Itch That Nobody’s Scratching man-couple-people-woman October 30, 2015 ~ Leave a comment ~ Edit I feel like I’ve heard about the so-called 50% divorce rate for as long as I can remember. But lately I am struggling to figure out where exactly these “experts” are getting their numbers from, especially since I seem to be the only girl that I know sitting home on the weekends with my thumb up my ass, while all of my friends are hanging with their husbands and kids. I am on nearly every dating site imaginable, and at this point I can’t open up an app without recognizing dozens of guys that I’ve already ignored on some other app. It’s the same sea of faces over and over again wherever I turn. And it blows. These “dating apps” used to at least be able to amuse and entertain me if nothing else, but they don’t even do that anymore. All they do now is create a sense of panic as I begin to realize that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. I practically shit myself with excitement on the rare occasion that a new and attractive profile of a single man appears. However the hyperventilation and underboob sweat quickly subsides when I reach out to him and never hear back. I think it may be easier to catch Bigfoot than it is to catch the eye of any newbies, since they immediately get swarmed by all of the other piranhas the minute they create their profiles. The idea of fighting for a man’s attention is about as appealing to me as a yeast infection… Continue reading → Share this: Like this: My Vagina is a Bossy C*nt Who’s Ruining My Life bed-945881_1920 October 23, 2015 ~ 2 Comments ~ Edit I’ve decided that if I am really going to blame anyone for my current situation I am going to blame my vagina. In fact, I have decided that I hold her 99% responsible for the demise of every single one of my relationships. Now don’t get me wrong, she and I have been besties for a while (except for that 7 year period in which she completely abandoned me during my marriage – but more on that at another time). In fact, she has become the one friend that I can count on to almost always make me happy….which is why it’s hard for me to say this – but I fucking hate the bitch. Continue reading → Share this: Like this: 6’s are the new 10’s lego-671593_1280 October 17, 2015 ~ Leave a comment ~ Edit So I was out at a bar the other night with my only other single friend. We had gotten some prime real estate at a high-top table by the bar, ordered some drinks, and waited for the hot single guys to start walking in. Clearly we must have been high, because at our ages (35 and 39) hot and single are practically oxymoron’s. If a really attractive guy walks in you can bet one of three things: a) he’s married, b) he’s gay, or c) he’s an enormous douchebag with intimacy issues. A hot, available, and emotionally stable guy is about as common as a unicorn. And if a unicorn were to trot into the bar I was in, the competition to lasso and mount that bitch would be fierce! Continue reading → Share this: Like this: Online Dating: Where Your Hopes and Dreams Go to Die

So it’s a Saturday night, and like many other Saturday nights in the past few months, I am sitting on my couch still wearing the pajamas that I woke up in, watching my dog sit on strike next to his full food bowl, staring at me in silent protest.  Not sure what his problem is, but it probably has to do with the fact that I am no fun and that he definitely did not hit the mommy lottery when he got stuck with me. Most likely he’s thinking to himself, “bitch, seriously, go take a shower already and preferably get out of the house, you loser, so I can destroy some shit up in here.” The fact that my 5-month old puppy has a more active social life than me (I mean, he has become friendly with at least 3 dogs in the neighborhood) has not gone unnoticed by either of us.

To prove to him that Mommy still got it, I will spend the next few hours or so (in between perusing my dvr recordings) feverishly fingering my iPhone in the hopes of meeting husband #2. I literally choked on my club soda (with a splash of tequila) as I wrote that.  Husband #2. Ha! Dog is looking at me like I’m a psychopath. I think he’s starting to figure out that Mommy ain’t going nowhere.  He’s pissed.  But I digress. Anyway the plan is Facebook, Tinder, Plenty of Fish, Ok Cupid, rinse and repeat. There used to be match.com and jdate apps on my phone but I decided that being forced onto these sites was bad enough without actually having to pay to get visually and mentally assaulted.

Before I even begin I already know how this night is going to end. I mean, it’s pretty much the same thing every night.  I call it The Stages of Online Dating and it’s not all that different than The Stages of Grief. They are, in this order: hopefulness, curiosity, indecisiveness, surrender, intrigue, horror, guilt, shame, denial, disappointment, fetal position. I could go on in depth about the shitshows that I have been witness to, but that would make an already long post even longer. Plus, what would we have to look forward to? Instead, I will simply explain for the amusement of those of you who already know what I’m talking about and as a warning to those of you who don’t, the type of men you are bound to run into on these “dating” sites.

Mr. Nice Guy – he is pretty much the guy that you will automatically swipe left for on tinder, but who will seek you out on all other dating sites. He will tell you that you are stunning, mention something from your profile, attempt to be witty and / or self-deprecating, list all of his good qualities and attributes, and tell you once again how pretty you are.  You will ignore his message. He will go away quietly. You will feel a little bad for being shallow and judgmental. It will pass.

Mr. Cut and Paste – He will write to you several times on his app of choice.  He will write the exact same thing each time.  Sometimes he will write to you twice in the same day.  He doesn’t remember. He’s spent the last hour cutting and pasting the exact same message to 300 different women in his version of throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks.

Mr. Dick Pic – He’s usually easy to spot since his profile pic is often a shirtless / headless grainy photo, however sometimes he can get all Clark Kent on you and appear normal at first.  But it doesn’t take long for his true intentions to be known. Either he will come out of the gates with explicit sexual questions or suggestions, or he will wait until he gets your digits to send you a random and unprovoked dick pic.  Pretty much the online version of a flasher, except the trenchcoat doesn’t close until you delete the picture.

Mr. Granola– he’s vegan, has a man bun, likes the outdoors, hugs trees, rescues animals, has a beard (obviously), and is looking for someone who’s down to earth, low maintenance, and who will travel the world in Birkenstocks with him. If you engage in conversation you will end up feeling slightly stupid and very confused, especially considering he has most likely snacked on some organic weed and mushrooms 20 minutes ago.

Mr. Eager– He likes you already. No really, he thinks you’re great. He just has a feeling about you and knows you two would have so much in common. He will continue to tell you how great you are and what a great match you will be despite the fact that you have not responded to a single message. He’s persistent and resilient. In real life he would require a restraining order.

Mr. Blasé – he can take you or leave you. He won’t initiate a conversation but will respond unenthusiastically with one or two word answers to your questions.  He won’t ask you about yourself. He doesn’t care.

Mr. Peter Pan – He’s never been married.  He just wants to “have fun” and see what happens. He’s going to da club tonight if you’re feeling frisky and want to meet him out.  You can’t miss him, he’ll be the older guy hanging with the 20 year old blondes, paying for all of their drinks while they ogle the hot guys their age.

Mr. Jekyll and Hyde– He is Mr. Eager until you don’t respond to his messages.  Then he will tell you that “you’re not all that anyway” or throw other random insults at you to make himself feel better. I guess his instincts about you and your potential future together were wrong after all…

Mr. Mrs. Robinson – he’s barely legal.  He thinks you’re sexy. He “literally” cannot comprehend why you’re really not interested in making small talk or giving your number to a 20 year old. Like, seriously, age is just a number! Yolo

Mr. Shameless– He acted normal enough to spark your interest and maybe even get your number. But now that you’ve basically given him the green light, he will come persistent in either asking for a date immediately (like tonight – Netflix and chill?), talking about your future together, initiating an explicit sext conversation before feeling it out, or any other ballsy behavior.

Mr. Wtf– You will never actually have any type of interaction with this guy, however you will spend way too much time marveling at his bizarre and sometimes oddly creative profile pictures, snapshotting them on your phone, and sending them to your friends so that they can see exactly how bad it is out there in Tinderland and why they should stop complaining about their fucking husbands.

Mr. Rico Suave – he is a smooth operator. He knows exactly what to say and tells you exactly what you want to hear.  Once you give him your number he will start texting you good morning and good night. He’ll check in throughout the day. He knows how to make you feel special because he’s very good at the art of seduction and attraction. Then again, he should be, because he’s using the same lines on the dozen of other women that he’s talking to and texting with. Proceed with caution!

Mr. Houdini – he’s actually attractive! You’ve had some witty banter back and forth. Numbers have been exchanged. Maybe even an old-fashioned phone call. You’re excited. This could be it!!! There has been considerable talk about planning a date (you’re secretly planning when to introduce him to your friends!). And suddenly, without any warning, poof! Gone. He disappears without a trace never to return (a text) again. He will either block you, or you will be forever forced to stare at his active profile every time you log on to the app where you “met.”

Back to square one.

I’ll let my phone cool off for a bit now while I play “Mommy is going to pretend to eat your food if you don’t” with dog.  Who are we kidding, I’ll be back on that shit in about 5 minutes to see if I have any new messages.

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