So it’s a Saturday night, and like many other Saturday nights in the past few months, I am sitting on my couch still wearing the pajamas that I woke up in, watching my dog sit on strike next to his full food bowl, staring at me in silent protest. Not sure what his problem is, but it probably has to do with the fact that I am no fun and that he definitely did not hit the mommy lottery when he got stuck with me. Most likely he’s thinking to himself, “bitch, seriously, go take a shower already and preferably get out of the house, you loser, so I can destroy some shit up in here.” The fact that my 5-month old puppy has a more active social life than me (I mean, he has become friendly with at least 3 dogs in the neighborhood) has not gone unnoticed by either of us.
To prove to him that Mommy still got it, I will spend the next few hours or so (in between perusing my dvr recordings) feverishly fingering my iPhone in the hopes of meeting husband #2. I literally choked on my club soda (with a splash of tequila) as I wrote that. Husband #2. Ha! Dog is looking at me like I’m a psychopath. I think he’s starting to figure out that Mommy ain’t going nowhere. He’s pissed. But I digress. Anyway the plan is Facebook, Tinder, Plenty of Fish, Ok Cupid, rinse and repeat. There used to be match.com and jdate apps on my phone but I decided that being forced onto these sites was bad enough without actually having to pay to get visually and mentally assaulted.
Before I even begin I already know how this night is going to end. I mean, it’s pretty much the same thing every night. I call it The Stages of Online Dating and it’s not all that different than The Stages of Grief. They are, in this order: hopefulness, curiosity, indecisiveness, surrender, intrigue, horror, guilt, shame, denial, disappointment, fetal position. I could go on in depth about the shitshows that I have been witness to, but that would make an already long post even longer. Plus, what would we have to look forward to? Instead, I will simply explain for the amusement of those of you who already know what I’m talking about and as a warning to those of you who don’t, the type of men you are bound to run into on these “dating” sites.
Mr. Nice Guy – he is pretty much the guy that you will automatically swipe left for on tinder, but who will seek you out on all other dating sites. He will tell you that you are stunning, mention something from your profile, attempt to be witty and / or self-deprecating, list all of his good qualities and attributes, and tell you once again how pretty you are. You will ignore his message. He will go away quietly. You will feel a little bad for being shallow and judgmental. It will pass.
Mr. Cut and Paste – He will write to you several times on his app of choice. He will write the exact same thing each time. Sometimes he will write to you twice in the same day. He doesn’t remember. He’s spent the last hour cutting and pasting the exact same message to 300 different women in his version of throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks.
Mr. Dick Pic – He’s usually easy to spot since his profile pic is often a shirtless / headless grainy photo, however sometimes he can get all Clark Kent on you and appear normal at first. But it doesn’t take long for his true intentions to be known. Either he will come out of the gates with explicit sexual questions or suggestions, or he will wait until he gets your digits to send you a random and unprovoked dick pic. Pretty much the online version of a flasher, except the trenchcoat doesn’t close until you delete the picture.
Mr. Granola– he’s vegan, has a man bun, likes the outdoors, hugs trees, rescues animals, has a beard (obviously), and is looking for someone who’s down to earth, low maintenance, and who will travel the world in Birkenstocks with him. If you engage in conversation you will end up feeling slightly stupid and very confused, especially considering he has most likely snacked on some organic weed and mushrooms 20 minutes ago.
Mr. Eager– He likes you already. No really, he thinks you’re great. He just has a feeling about you and knows you two would have so much in common. He will continue to tell you how great you are and what a great match you will be despite the fact that you have not responded to a single message. He’s persistent and resilient. In real life he would require a restraining order.
Mr. Blasé – he can take you or leave you. He won’t initiate a conversation but will respond unenthusiastically with one or two word answers to your questions. He won’t ask you about yourself. He doesn’t care.
Mr. Peter Pan – He’s never been married. He just wants to “have fun” and see what happens. He’s going to da club tonight if you’re feeling frisky and want to meet him out. You can’t miss him, he’ll be the older guy hanging with the 20 year old blondes, paying for all of their drinks while they ogle the hot guys their age.
Mr. Jekyll and Hyde– He is Mr. Eager until you don’t respond to his messages. Then he will tell you that “you’re not all that anyway” or throw other random insults at you to make himself feel better. I guess his instincts about you and your potential future together were wrong after all…
Mr. Mrs. Robinson – he’s barely legal. He thinks you’re sexy. He “literally” cannot comprehend why you’re really not interested in making small talk or giving your number to a 20 year old. Like, seriously, age is just a number! Yolo
Mr. Shameless– He acted normal enough to spark your interest and maybe even get your number. But now that you’ve basically given him the green light, he will come persistent in either asking for a date immediately (like tonight – Netflix and chill?), talking about your future together, initiating an explicit sext conversation before feeling it out, or any other ballsy behavior.
Mr. Wtf– You will never actually have any type of interaction with this guy, however you will spend way too much time marveling at his bizarre and sometimes oddly creative profile pictures, snapshotting them on your phone, and sending them to your friends so that they can see exactly how bad it is out there in Tinderland and why they should stop complaining about their fucking husbands.
Mr. Rico Suave – he is a smooth operator. He knows exactly what to say and tells you exactly what you want to hear. Once you give him your number he will start texting you good morning and good night. He’ll check in throughout the day. He knows how to make you feel special because he’s very good at the art of seduction and attraction. Then again, he should be, because he’s using the same lines on the dozen of other women that he’s talking to and texting with. Proceed with caution!
Mr. Houdini – he’s actually attractive! You’ve had some witty banter back and forth. Numbers have been exchanged. Maybe even an old-fashioned phone call. You’re excited. This could be it!!! There has been considerable talk about planning a date (you’re secretly planning when to introduce him to your friends!). And suddenly, without any warning, poof! Gone. He disappears without a trace never to return (a text) again. He will either block you, or you will be forever forced to stare at his active profile every time you log on to the app where you “met.”
Back to square one.
I’ll let my phone cool off for a bit now while I play “Mommy is going to pretend to eat your food if you don’t” with dog. Who are we kidding, I’ll be back on that shit in about 5 minutes to see if I have any new messages.