Nice to meet you…now show me your t*ts

tinder

Two nights ago I was texting with a guy I had matched with on Tinder about a week earlier. We had been texting via the app for about 5 days and had just exchanged numbers so that we could bring our conversation offline. He seemed pretty normal so far, had a pretty good sense of humor, and had asked some general questions about my life and had checked in during the course of the week to see how my days had been going. We both mentioned that we were looking for something more serious at this point in our lives, so seemingly we were on the same page. But that night, inevitably the conversation turned sexual. However, to be fair, it wasn’t sexual in a really inappropriate way. Like he wasn’t trying to sext with me or ask me really personal things about myself, rather our conversation had turned to how people act so crazy on these dating apps and how everyone is really only looking to get laid. That conversation led to some basic sexual questions about preferences – but again, nothing too crazy – like how long we usually wait to sleep with someone, and he was especially curious as to what type of gross questions other guys have
asked me. So basically we were having a discussion about how people regard sex these days. It was getting late so we started to wrap up our text session. He made a remark about having to go shower and do his “boy things.” I told him to have fun with that.

And then it happened.

Suddenly, and without warning, a picture flashed before my screen.

There he was, in all his glory… in the bathroom with the lights off…partially cloaked in the shadows… standing in front of his full length mirror… completely fucking naked and with a hard on.

Silence.

I sat there, horrified and repulsed. Am I supposed to write something back? Is he waiting for a compliment?? That sure as fuck ain’t happening! So I say nothing. A minute goes by – it feels like 10 minutes. We are seemingly at a stalemate and now things are getting even more awkward, if that’s even possible.

Finally, he sends another text, “Figured you should know who you’re talking to…”

To which I responded, “Well now I know, that’s for sure.” Then I made some lame comment about having to wake up early and got the fuck out of there.

Seriously!?!?

Call me old-fashioned, but last I can remember a girl didn’t get to see a guy’s junk until they were actually at that point where they were going to be seeing each other’s junk up close and personal. When did it become the norm to send women pictures of your dicks (junk mail?) before you’ve even consumed a cup of coffee together or had a burger? What the fuck is that all about? Not to mention that this guy probably shouldn’t be showing off his shit anyway if he wants to get laid anytime soon, because, dude, you might want to invest in a good electric razor or something for fuck’s sake! Just saying…

Anyway, this unprovoked visual assault led me to question, as I have been doing for some time now, what the hell has happened to humanity, and more specifically, when did men become the grossest of the gross?

It certainly didn’t take me becoming single to realize that, generally speaking, men are perverts. But considering I had been out of the dating scene during the emergence of the online dating boom, I really don’t think I fully grasped just how disgusting and ballsy some men can be, no pun intended.

When it comes to online dating, you would hope that perhaps people would have a little more self-control, especially because they are “supposedly” looking to meet someone (yes maybe only for sex,  but still) and especially since most of them have pictures of themselves posted (hopefully of their actual and current selves) so it’s not like being a total scumbag is going to remain anonymous. Plus, if you’re on a site like Tinder, you could potentially have friends in common, which could make it pretty embarrassing if you make a total ass out of yourself. This is not the case however. Lucky for us single girls, there is a special breed of hybrid-internet trolls / creepers who really have no shame when it comes to women, or life in general. They literally give zero fucks about offending you. In fact, offending you gets them off.

I would say that on average, 7 out of every 10 guys that I begin chatting with online end up being total douchebags. Some ease their way into douchebaggery by pretending to care about my life for a hot minute before asking me how I feel about anal, while others just go straight for it, telling me in graphic detail what they would like to do to me. (Hold on while I go change my panties, because what a fucking turn on it is having some loser pig send me a pornographic novel about what he fantasizes doing to me…) But even though it’s become expected at this point, it’s always a little disappointing when you suddenly think that you may end up having a decent conversation with a seemingly decent guy only to discover that he’s just another dime-a-dozen asshole. And it’s not just dick pics that are the problem.

Nope, these men definitely want something in return for their “time” (and their unwanted, cringeworthy “gifts” if you’re lucky enough to receive one). And no matter how much time they spend beating around the bush and humoring you by pretending they are interested in anything you have to say, it always ends up the same way. There you are, innocently enough texting back and forth for a while about completly mundane things (your jobs, your pets, your hobbies), finally beginning to relax and maybe allowing yourself to get a little hopeful, and then suddenly you get THE text:

“Hey… send me a pic.” Wink, wink.

Ughhhhhh.

Send me a pic. The four most annoying words a guy can text you. Ok, let’s think about this one… you found me on a dating app where I have about 7 pictures of myself, so I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you aren’t looking for me to send you that picture I took of myself with my nephews on Thanksgiving. Send me a pic??? Who the hell are you again? Your last name is??? Um, no! Send me a pic is pervy guy code for “show me your tits (or ass. Or both)” and it’s getting fucking old already. You guys really need to get some new material already.

Is it really too much to ask to meet a normal man out there??? And before you yell at me that if I want a normal man I shouldn’t be looking for him on Tinder, let me just say that I have had this scenario happen repeatedly with guys from every single dating app / site around. So it would seem that these pigs are not just hanging out on Tinder waiting to flash you, they are hanging out EVERYWHERE in search of their next victim.

I would normally try to wrap up my post with some type of witty comment or remark, but instead I have decided to share with you (or assault you with, depending on your sense of humor) some of the more delightful text messages I have received from men over the last 6 months. It’s important to mention that all of these, except for one, were very first messages sent by different men hoping to start some type of dialogue, although more likely some were just sent for shock value and to get themselves off. Sick fucks. All of the spelling and grammatical errors were left in place in order to allow you to get the full effect. Here are the top 10 heartwarming comments that I have been sent. I saved the best for last. You’re welcome.

Oh, and just so you know, the material here is NSFW. You’ve been warned.

Enjoy 🙂

  1. “When and where?”
  2. “Have you been dominated before?”
  3. “Ahhh so sexy the things I’d do to you.”
  4. “On a scale of 1 to 10, how badly do I want to sleep with you?”
  5. “When was the last time you masturbated?”
  6. “I want ur ass.” (followed by clapping and tongue emoji’s)
  7. “I’ll eat your pussy until you see stars.”
  8. “I want u to ride my face.”
  9. “I wish you didn’t leave. I woulda loved to lick your ass so deep. Looked amazing.” (after a terrible coffee date)
  10. “I’d oil u down massage u an tease u!!!! I’d oil ur nipples up oil ur butthole an gently finger it as I watch ur facial reaction!!! I’d tease ur juicy yummy pussy until ur clit is fatt wett an throbbing!!! I’d kiss lick an suck those thighs an when ur least suspect I’d shove my face in your pussy licking sucking looking up smiling at u while spitting an sucking on ur clit until u cum all over my face!!!”  (Obviously my favorite, for many, many reasons…although sadly I think this might have been a cut and paste and not written especially for me, sob.)

Fucking men…

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14 thoughts on “Nice to meet you…now show me your t*ts

  1. … I can’t words right now, because brain. *deep breath*
    Okay. Good lord. I’m going to go thank my husband /right now/ for not being a tool, and for saving the jewels until we were on more familiar terms.

    I wouldn’t survive the dating scene. Not much shocks me these days, but that doesn’t mean I’m not amazed on a daily basis at just how far the Collective We have sunk. It isn’t just men doing that stuff…it’s women, too. I suppose people feel emboldened when they’re hiding behind their computer screens, as if the societal standards of face-to-face interaction no longer apply. Part of me is laughing, and part of me is crying.

    1. Yes, go thank your husband right now! (and maybe toss him a bj…?). And you’re right, it’s women too. Basically everyone is gross. Part of me laughs and cries every day too 🙂

  2. Sorry you have to endure such craziness – you should do full screen shots and post them on a rogue twitter account made just to shame them, don’t cover their names, numbers or faces either. Something like that will make them think twice.

    1. I thought about it, but then I figured that the fact that they have to wake up every morning as themselves was punishment enough 🙂 If nothing else, it definitely makes me the most popular person on my lunch break, as I always have the best stories to tell haha.

  3. bahahbaaflhahflskdfklsdfadsklfksf this is fantastic stuff! my girls and i chat about their misadventures in dating often, which makes me super glad to have a partner. good for you for dropping out of this super annoying convo. dicks (pun intended) like him aren’t worth the time…or the effort it takes to shave, wax, polish, etc. i met my guy online 7 years ago (Match). i knew right away he was different. hang in there. he is out there. until then, delete the dick pics (unless they’re good) and drop off the face when the douchey ones text/call. xoxo

    1. Are any dick pics really good though, haha??? I think you might have scooped up the last good one. I know there were some good ones out there a few years ago because I met one myself, but then I had to go ahead and get bored with him. I guess this is my punishment for being an immature asshole 🙁

  4. Yes, I’m married and don’t have to deal with these people, men or women, but I have to say that I am GENUINELY enjoying hearing your horror stories (sorry) and I’ve now long forgotten about Mr. Grey and his titilatting tales have been replaced with yours. Good luck finding that one wholesome guy but I kind of hope you don’t…. Looking forward to hearing more…. 😉

    1. Haha, don’t worry, if I do meet someone (as likely as winning the lottery), I plan on making him the subject of many articles and revealing many inappropriate things about him and us. Which will probably lead to him dumping me, and then I’ll be single again and have more horror stories to tell. So it’s all good 🙂 Thank you so much, I’m glad you got a good laugh!

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