My Vagina is a Bossy C*nt Who’s Ruining My Life

vagina

I’ve decided that if I am really going to blame anyone for my current situation I am going to blame my vagina. In fact, I have decided that I hold her 99% responsible for the demise of every single one of my relationships. Now don’t get me wrong, she and I have been besties for a while (except for that 7 year period in which she completely abandoned me during my marriage – but more on that at another time). In fact, she has become the one friend that I can count on to almost always make me happy….which is why it’s hard for me to say this – but I fucking hate the bitch.

I don’t hate her for reasons you might think one would hate their vagina – ugly appearance, displeasing odor, shaving / grooming requirements (although she is pretty high maintenance),  inability to please, poor success rate, etc.  Nope, we are ”all good” on those fronts! No, I hate my vagina because somewhere along the way she has become a real bossy and demanding little bitch. There was a point in time where I actually believed that I made my own decisions when it came to men and dating. I have since realized that I really have very little say in who I date and for how long I date them. It has become evident that my vagina is now in charge and making all decisions when it comes to men – and damn is she fucking picky!

Now I know what you’re thinking – picky is good, right? I mean, you should be picky and selective when it comes to the men in your life, right? And especially when it comes to who and what you’re sticking in your vagina…  However, when I say that my vagina is picky, I don’t mean that she turns her nose down at men who aren’t good enough for me. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Apparently my vagina has some very specific preferences and they aren’t really ones that are aligned with what I want for myself.  You see, my vagina loves douchebags.

Ok, so I may have seen an episode or two of Millionaire Matchmaker (don’t judge) and one of Patti Stanger’s trademark catchphrases has always been “the penis does the picking,” meaning that men make decisions on who they want to date based on their physical attraction to a woman. Basically, the little head makes the call. Ok, so not rocket science right? We all know that attraction obviously plays an important role when looking to meet, date, or potentially bone someone. It has come to my attention, however, that not only does my vagina do the picking, without any help from me I should add, but that she often does it without my best interest in mind. And I’m pretty sure she gives zero fucks about my heart. How can she and I be on such different pages? Is she trying to ruin my life?

I have had a lot of time to think about my past relationships and to think about what went wrong, and all roads lead back to my vagina. Ok so first there was Mr. Nice Guy. He was pretty amazing. Nice and handsome, and not in a pushover kind of way. Mr. Nice Guy and I had a pretty long relationship where many of my needs were being met. He was completely emotionally available, head over heels in love with me, talked about marriage and children and the future. Sex was wonderful… that is, until my vagina decided that she was bored. Yeah, Mr. Nice Guy wasn’t really doing it for her anymore. Apparently, he wasn’t enough of a dick. So she bailed on me. Left me high and dry when I needed her most – literally. Refused to perform, refused to help a sister out. So here I am, with a guy that any girl would be lucky to have, but my vagina is no longer interested and there is nothing that I can do or say to convince her otherwise. Needless to say I ended up having to leave that relationship. Mr. Nice Guy is now in a new relationship and seemingly very happy. I can pretty much guarantee that his girlfriend is happy – just saying. I, on the other hand, am alone, horny, and very, very bitter.

Then along came Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. For obvious reasons I should have avoided him like the plague. I mean, he literally said to me “I am emotionally unavailable. I will never be able to give you what you want,” which, needless to say, made me and my vagina even more interested! We’ve all made the mistake of chasing after the unattainable arrogant dickwad, believing that we can tame him. I am totally guilty of doing that. So that’s my fault. However, here is where my vagina should have really had my back (or front??).  If she really cared about me, that whole speech should have made me dry up like the Sahara. Opposite effect. Mr. Emotionally Unavailable really got her juices flowing like never before! My vagina liked Mr. Emotionally Unavailable so much that she even learned new tricks just for him. I mean, REALLY (!?), she waits until I am 35 years old, and for this prick to come along to learn how to have multiple orgasms? Back to back to back??? Really bitch? Right, because I really stand any chance of making rational decisions now, such as walking away from this guy – sure. Nope, even though my head is telling me “He is going to hurt you. You need to cut this off now,” Little Miss Thang has a mind of her own. It’s like I become possessed by her and her needs. My mouth opens to say “no, I can’t see you tonight” but instead all that comes out is “are you free, can you hang out, when can you get here?”

God bless her little heart for learning new ways to please me all the time because, I’ve got to be honest, it’s hard not to love her for that. But my vagina seriously has the worst fucking taste in men – and for that, I hate her! Perhaps someday my vagina, my brain, and my heart can get all get together and work out some type of agreement. Until then, we all know who’s boss around here…

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2 thoughts on “My Vagina is a Bossy C*nt Who’s Ruining My Life

  1. You just made me laugh out loud and identify with that comment/speech/tirade louder than I have since I can remember.

    I’m late 3os – 37 last month-beautiful, ridiculous, and I could not agree with you more – I am dealing with the exact same situation right now and I wish my fucking little cunt ass vagina would just learn to like somebody good for me.

    Anyway -I am try to get away from somebody young and gorgeous and the perfect fuck who is also the perfect fucked up in the head.

    If you have any interest in speaking further which could be probably pretty fucking funny you can email me back.

    Xo

    1. Thanks so much Ashley! It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who wants to punch my vagina square in the face (??) And I know all about attempting to escape the inescapable! I’m glad I was able to give you a good laugh 🙂

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