Even though I recently put my list of non-negotiable out into the world in the hopes that the universe would deliver me my perfect man, I have decided that while I wait for Mother Nature to do her thing, I am going to be taking a little dating hiatus, or love sabbatical, as I like to call it.
I’ve been considering doing this for a while, but kept putting it off, mainly out of boredom and because of FOMO. My luck, the day I go offline, my perfect man would sign up for one of the sites and get snatched right up with some other woman. And then there would be another woman out there dating MY guy! Not cool! I know, I know – if he was my perfect man it wouldn’t work that way, but still. When you’ve been sex deprived for as long as I’ve been, these are the things you stress about. Yesterday, however, I had yet another particularly annoying interaction with a guy that pretty much sealed the deal for me.
We had been messaging on line back and forth for a few days. He seemed pretty nice, although his profile left a lot to be desired, especially since he mentioned his cat more than once on it. If you’ve read my list, you will see that cats are deal-breakers for me (not because I am an animal Nazi, but because I’m allergic. I’ve attempted a relationship with a cat owner once before, and it became a real issue). So basically I failed immediately on sticking to my own list by interacting with this guy in the first place – probably why I ended up paying for it. So I stupidly ignored the cat issue and chatted back and forth with him for a couple of days. He eventually suggested meeting up for coffee. That’s when I felt obligated to bring up another area in which he strayed from my list – his beard. You see, this guy had about 8 pictures on his profile, ranging from one cleanly shaven face, to a couple of stubble shots, to one inch-long situation, and finally to two Duck Dynasty scenarios (which, by the way, I think is annoying. Profile pics shouldn’t have to make someone guess as to which version of yourself you actually look like!) This, I felt, needed to be addressed and I would need to know what exactly I was getting myself into before I agreed to coffee. Because again, my list specifies no long beards, and as far as I’m concerned it’s easier to avoid someone’s cat than it is to avoid the 6 inches of hair growing off of someone’s face!
So when asked about coffee, I jokingly replied that it would depend on his current beard situation. He laughed it off at first, writing back that he will assume I am not into the beard thing, to which I responded that I am all for a 5’oclock shadow, or even a 2 weeks’ worth of growth, but that I’m not really into the whole lumberjack look. Well apparently that didn’t go over very well. He informed me that he is actually clean shaven or sports some stubble most of the time, but that I being serious about such a “trivial” thing just reinforced for him how vapid many women on these sites are.
Yeah. I got served.
Obviously my response back to him was something along the lines of a) being attracted to someone is not “trivial,” b) that I was quite certain that he didn’t message me first because of my winning personality as opposed to my appearance, c) clearly he is looking for a woman who is dishonest and who is not allowed to have preferences or opinions, and d) he could suck it – just make sure not to get any of “it” stuck in his long, mangy, stinky, ugly, overgrown beard.
We proceeded to insult one another back and forth a few more times. Because that’s what mature adults do.
So yeah, as I was saying, I think it’s time that I take a little break from dating (not that I’ve actually gone on any dates in, I don’t even know how long), for my sake and the sake of others.
To be honest, I have been doing this whole online dating thing for almost 6 months now and I’m exhausted. I have most definitely become bitter and jaded about dating and about men in general. And let’s face it, the men I’ve been meeting online have been the worst! So before I become just another man-hater, I am forcing myself into a time out. Truth be told, this is probably the best time for me to take a little break anyway. I am going to be doing a little traveling with some friends next month, and knowing my luck, after a 6 month dry-spell (think: cobwebs), I would end up meeting Mr. Amazing right before I leave for my extended vacation and the timing would be terrible. So since it makes no sense for me to meet someone right now anyway, I have decided to use these next few weeks for self-reflection and contemplation, i.e.: solo wine drinking and Netflix binging – so basically my normal everyday life, minus the distraction and pressure of attempting to meet a guy.
In order to take a true love sabbatical, it is imperative that I delete all of my dating apps from my phone and go at this cold turkey. This will be the hardest part, as I believe that online dating apps can become completely addicting! It’s disturbing to realize just how often a day I find myself opening up one of several apps to see if anyone has sent me a message. And 95% of the time when I have messages, I delete them anyway, without even reading them, based on pictures alone (yes, I’m a total c#nt. Sue Me.), or I read the messages and ignore them. So really, what will I be missing out on aside from the addiction of browsing, swiping, or judging? Ok, well the judging part I might miss a little…
So I have decided that as of 8pm tomorrow night, I will officially be going offline for the next month or so, until I return from my vacation. I would delete everything tonight, but you know, with this blizzard and all, I’m having a little bit of cabin fever, and it helps pass the time. And I need another day to come to terms with all of this.
Plus, I might want to fight with that douchebag a little more before I unplug.