I’m really not sure why I even bother to get my hopes up anymore when it comes to dating. Yet, once again, I’ve found myself disappointed after what I thought may have been a potentially decent candidate. Mike sent me a message on one of my dating apps. He appeared cute, in an understated way, and a little nerdy. Totally not my type at all, but his profile seemed above-average normal, he was within my desired age bracket, and he lived less than 50 miles away (score!). Besides, he sent a cute first message, which consisted of more than “hi” or “omg you’re so beautiful, how are you singl…”(snore.) So I decided to play along and respond, especially since I’ve been getting major shit from my friends for being “too picky” lately (sometimes I let them watch me swipe through Tinder. Bad move.)
It became quickly apparent that Mike was not cut out for this online dating phenomenon. He would write to me, I would respond, and then days would go by before he logged into his account to write me back. Super annoying. Eventually I took the reins and sent him my phone number, encouraging him to text me instead of using the app, figuring that it would help him to be more quickly responsive. He texted me over a week later (yes, that should have been my first clue. No, I didn’t take the hint.)
Once Mike texted me, our texts became somewhat regular. He would usually text me during the day, we would go back and forth for a little (his texts would often be returned 20, sometimes 30 minutes later), and then eventually he would not respond altogether. Then I would usually hear from him later at night and we would text for awhile, ending our conversations, normally, by saying goodnight, not mid-conversation like tended to be the case during the day.
Finally, I convinced Mike to call me, joking (not a joke though) that I have had some experiences with men with extremely unusual and disconcerting voices recently. He called me the next night and we talked for about 30 minutes. Really good conversation, talked a lot about both of our situations and what we are looking for. We seemed to be on the exact same page. We laughed and commiserated about the online dating scene and how sketchy its become and he told me that he was unimpressed by all of the desperate women who will do anything for attention, especially since he was a dad to a young girl. We discussed how annoying it was that people just text and never end up meeting (a week earlier he had mentioned us getting coffee “one of these days”) and he assured me that was so not his deal. Cue the music, I may have found my match! Needless to say, I was starting to get a little excited. I was pretty certain that I would at least get to meet him in person and see if there was any chemistry beyond our phone conversation.
When we hung up, he texted me a bit that night, but couldn’t communicate much since he had his daughter that weekend. You could imagine my disappointment when the next day I heard nothing from him. I decided to send him a text later that evening. No response. I don’t get it, but hey, he has his kid, maybe he doesn’t like to text much when she’s around. Next morning, I get a cute text from him. Whew. Ok, so I will let last night’s unresponsiveness pass for now. We go back and forth for a bit and then he’s got to run to do his daily errands. And then there is no communication for the next two days. Now I’m getting annoyed. WTF?
I should mention that my friends lecture me, almost on a daily basis, about my refusal to make the first move when it comes to online dating. For example, I will rarely message a guy first, and I will never suggest meeting up. In an effort to grab my balls and try something new, I decide to text Mike after a few days of having had no communication. At this point, I literally give zero fucks about how I come off anymore, since acting chill and somewhat elusive clearly doesn’t seem to be working for me. This is how it went:
Me: Hey stranger!
Him: Hey! Not being a stranger, just a working stiff whose been pulling all nighters for the past few weeks :/
Me: Well that’s pretty sucky!
(hmm. ok, here’s my opportunity to just say, fuck it, and ask him to hang out…)
Me: So when do you think you’ll be able to squeeze me into your busy schedule? I figure we should at least meet up once to see if we can even stand the sight of one another 🙂
(Omg. He totally wants nothing to do with me. Quick, gotta go into blase’ mode and redeem any level of self-respect that I have by giving him a quick way out and making this as least painful as possible. I should totally not text again, but I literally cannot help myself. All shreds of self-control have left the building.)
Me: Or…if you’re too busy these days with work, or just not interested, that’s totally cool too. Just let me know and I’ll peace out.
(There! I totally gave him an out. Just tell me work is ridic and you just don’t have the time right now and save us both from this awkward situation, immediately please.)
Him: I think determining our ability to stand the sight of each other sounds like a pretty fun time 🙂
(Oh, holy fuck. Jeez this guy just had me sweating like an animal. Ok! Back on track. I must have been totally reading that situation wrong, because clearly, he’s interested. I gave him the perfect out, which he did not take, so things are looking good!!)
Me: Lol, me too! So let me know when you can peel yourself away from your job…
Him: Lol. I just got promoted…So, now I think they are torturing me just for fun 🙂
(Hmm, ok. Weird. Not sure where he’s going with this one, but I will stay on topic, even though bringing up getting together AGAIN feels a little desperate…
Me: Just got promoted? As in today?? Congrats! So perhaps a celebratory drink instead of coffee…?
Him: I’m sure a drink will increase your ability to tolerate me!
Me: That’s generally how it works.
– End Scene-
No, really. That was the last text that occurred between us, and it has now been 5 days. So….I’m fucking over this shit. Fuck him, fuck everyone. I am sick and tired of playing these annoying games! I have decided that from now on, I am ignoring the advice of all of my friends who tell me to step outside my box and give other guys a try! Fuck that! There, I just stepped outside my box and what do I have to show for it? A big heaping plate of nothing! For all I know, he was just another catfish!
No, from now on, I am sitting tightly inside my cozy little box and I am refusing to leave here until a guy comes along who fits all of my requirements! Then, and only then, will I even consider putting myself out there again!
So using the mantra from Field of Dreams and “The Secret” I have decided to put my needs and desires out into the world (shout out to 30’s Dater for initially insisting that I do this, even though I know that it will make me look like a total trash bag) in the hopes that the universe will use this to bring me Mr. Right.
So without further adieu, here is my list of requirements for the next man who I will allow to penetrate me and possibly claim me for his own…
Disclaimer: those of you who think this is pretentious, bitchy, or self-absorbed, or who are going to judge me for putting what I want out there – you can blow me! And you can stop reading now because it’s just going to get worse and more obnoxious from here…
Non – Negotiables:
- Minimum height 5’9″ (preferably 5’10”, but being barely 5″ myself, I think this is fair. 5’8″ is only acceptable if you tick off every other box!)
- Good hair – a full head of it. I like to run my fingers through it and pull it during sex, what can I tell you. (Baldness will only be considered if your face is insanely gorgeous.)
- Attractive face – I mean….I have to want to look at you every day.
- Athletic build. Not a huge steroid looking type of body, though. Lean and fit or a little bit broader and fit. Muscle definition is nice.
- Full lips. I love to kiss and I am not into guys with no upper lip.
- Straight, white teeth. With good breath and good oral hygiene.
- Good hygiene period – showers, wears deodorant, trims and clean his nails, etc.
- Average to above average in the junk department. Fine, I am a sizist. But I am also realistic. Not all men are hung like elephants, but no thank you to a micropenis or pencil dick. (cue the backlash from small- dicked men, or the women who love them)
- Good dresser! I love clothes and I love men who love clothes. Ill fitting clothing is a huge turn-off. If he doesn’t know enough about fashion than he at least has to be willing to let me teach him and dress him. Eventually he will need to enjoy shopping for clothes, shoes, and household items with me.
- Witty – I like someone who can keep up and who always has a quick comeback. But not obnoxious. I prefer to be the more obnoxious one.
- Funny – sense of humor is a must. Preferably a mature, cerebral sense of humor, not that I don’t mind acting childish once in a while…but I don’t find fart jokes to be funny or sexy.
- Intelligent – knowledgable about many topics, but not in a boring, know-it-all way.
- Can speak and write using proper grammar. If you don’t know the difference between there, their, and they’re – you’re out!!
- Good conversationalist – I would like to be able to discuss anything from politics, to current events, to pop culture, to the shit going on in our friends’ marriage. I need someone who can keep up with all types of conversation and who brings something to the table.
- Adventurous – to a degree. Not looking for someone who is going to try to get me to go bungee jumping, but a guy who can drag me out of the house when I am being lazy and who can think of fun and new things to do would be very enticing.
- Sensual and sexually confident – I would like someone who knows what they are doing and who has good skills in the bedroom. Someone who can keep things interesting without having to rely on moves learned from porn or from 50 Shades of Gray. Must be sexually compatible.
- Has a bit of a naughty streak. Curses – not excessively, and not at me, but enough that he won’t judge my dirty mouth.Can make fun of people, laugh at inappropriate things, and basically be assholes in the privacy of our own home.
- Not a commitment-phobe – must be looking for a relationship!
- Outgoing and social – can be taken into any social setting and let loose to do his thing and not lurk in a corner.
- Confident and secure in himself – Knows when something is more my forte’ and doesn’t have an issue letting me take the lead.
- Trustworthy – I’m done with liars and cheaters
- Dependable – there when he says he will be there, fulfilling promises, reliable, etc.
- Emotionally available!! – ready for a relationship and all of the emotional feelings that come with it.
- Romantic – chivalry is not dead. It would be nice to be with someone who doesn’t get complacent once they “have you.”
- Sincere – say what you mean, mean what you say
- Encouraging – Must be supportive and see the glass as half full especially if I am doubting myself.
- Loyal – will always take my side – at least in the moment, and always publicly.. Tell me later, after things have subsided that I was wrong ( in gentle terms), but never in front of people.
- Generous – to me, to people he loves, to others. Someone who is charitable and who enjoys doing nice things for others. Not someone who does nice things in order to get something in return.
- Able to express himself – because I am not a mind reader.
- Complimentary – because it’s nice to be told that I am beautiful, smart, funny, sexy, etc. by the man in my life. And no, it never gets old.
- Fights fair – argues in a mature manner, if that makes sense. Some words can never be taken back, even when said in the heat of the moment.
- Brings out the best in me – I want to be with someone who makes me want to be the best version of myself, not someone who brings out the worst in me, and vice-versa.
- Takes charge and gets shit done when I don’t want to.
- Adores me 🙂
- My best friend – for obvious reasons.
- Professional – the job itself isn’t the most important thing, but it’s important that he acts professional. Although I would prefer white-collar unless he is sexy as hell and works with his hands to create things for a living, then blue-collar is cool too.
- Has an established career / secure job.
- Healthy-ish habits. I would like him to go to the gym on a regular basis, but not be annoying about it. I would like him to eat clean and healthy but be totally willing to splurge and pig out with me.
- Healthy relationship with his family but not up each other’s asses.
- Neat and organized. Because I am not, and I could use the help to balance that shit out.
- Responsible with money- because I am, and I don’t think I can deal with that type of stress. But also able to spend money and live a little.
- Has similar views as me (the future, religious / philosophical views, marriage, children, etc.)
- Reads for pleasure. After dating many guys who do not read, I realized that this is quite important to me.
- Loves to travel and will get excited about traveling the world with me.
- Open to trying new things and experiences – so not a total stubborn ass who is set it his ways.
- Has at least one hobby, passion, interest.
- Has some long-term friendships – i find it suspect when guys don’t have friends they’ve known for years, or friends at all for that matter.
- Willing and enthusiastic to let me pick at his body at my leisure (pull out ingrown hairs with my tweezers, pop pimples, file fingernails, etc.) Probably on a nightly basis, to help me relax, and to make me happy.
- Will happily sit on the couch with me, watch tv, and will rub my feet because he wants to and not because I have to beg him to.
- Enjoys fine dining and loves, or is willing to try new, exotic cuisines
- Has a car
- Lives alone
- Geographically desirable
Would Prefer – (but willing to concede a little):
- Dark hair and light eyes – definitely not a deal breaker though
- Sharp, chiseled features, especially jaw line (yummy)
- No beards! Will only concede if it’s very short and tight and if he’s willing to shave it if I just can’t learn to live with it. Scruff is sexy once in a while though
- Nice enough hands and feet – no weird, scary toe issues or sharp talons!
- Proportionate facial features (nose, ears, eyes should all be relative in size to his face)
- A great, round, muscular, perky ass
- Dominant without being forceful. I want him to stand up for himself and not be a doormat, and to put me in my place when necessary, but also not need to win every argument and will know when to defer to me.
- Takes initiative / is a leader
- Punctual – cannot stand people who are perpetually late and don’t care
- Likes a lot of the same things that I do, but introduces me to new things.
- Is not a sports fanatic. Can like sports, but preferably does not have to watch sports every sunday or participate in fantasy leagues. Ugh
- Makes a decent living. Preferably makes more money than me, but at least makes as much as me.
- Has been previously married or has an amazing excuse as to why he is in his mid 30’s – mid 40’s and hasn’t been yet.
- Is a good cook
- Doesn’t snore
- Doesn’t take selfies on the reg
- Similar music / television / movie preferences
- All Categories:
- Bad teeth
- Boring personality
- An asshole to people, especially those he thinks are beneath him
- Drug user (I can live with pot on a random basis, but not into stoners)
- Talks with his mouth full
- Terrible joke teller / corny
- Wears baseball hats on a daily basis
- Wears baseball hats to the side – ever.
- Hat aficionados in general
- Alcoholic and / or a guy who cannot drink like a normal human
- Under 34 or over 45 (give or take a year or two if he’s all that and a bag of chips)
- Bad skin
- Bad hair
- Wears carpenter jeans – isn’t a carpenter.
- Socks with sandals
- Wears sandals period (mandals)
- Strange moles, growths, birthmarks in distinct places that I can’t help staring at all of the time
- Open mouth breather
- Weird, unusual voice
- Shits with the door open when not alone
- Doesn’t wash his hands after shitting with the door open (or using the bathroom period)
- Pear – shaped
- Cat owner
- Animal hater
- Mama’s boy
- Lousy in bed
- Tiny penis
- Poor hygiene
- Eats fast food on a regular basis
- Plays console video games
- Obsessive about sports or about a particular hobby to the point where it is out of control.
- A know-it-all
- A poser
- Body / foot odor
- Rides a motorcycle
- Compulsive liar
- Wears necklaces / chains
- Sends dick pics and / or poses shirtless in a bathroom on dating profile
- Hairy back
- Too feminine
- Too macho
- Abusive – emotionally and / or physically (not that I wouldn’t destroy him, but why even waste a minute on that shit?)
- Public nose picker
- Obsessive ball scratcher
- Wears sports jerseys when not at a sporting event
- Has a mustache
- Sneezes / coughs into his hand
- Spits when he talks
- Laughs like a hyena
So there we have it. For now. I will consider this a work in progress, as I will undoubtedly think of more things to add to my list as time goes on. It should be noted, however, that I really am not asking for anything that I do not bring to a relationship myself (except for being messy and sending the occasional unprovoked dick pic, obviously.)
So I guess now I just wait….
What are some of your must-have’s or deal-breakers? Leave a comment and let me know! Maybe I’ll add it to my own list!