It’s Not You, It’s You…

single

So, you’ve been single for awhile? Feeling a little down and out? Wondering why you keep finding yourself in one dead-end relationship after another; why every new guy who gets you a little excited and hopeful just ends up turning into another typical douchebag?

Well let me shoot it to you straight. It’s not you. You’re great (unless you’re not)! BUT, your game could definitely use some help. It’s possible that you are committing relationship sabotage and you don’t even know it. So with that in mind, here are some useful tips that may help prevent you from fucking up the next good thing that comes along:

Stop Pretending To Be Someone That You’re Not 

No, you aren’t looking for a friend with benefits. No, you’re not “cool” with keeping it casual. What you’re looking for is a fucking relationship. So stop telling guys what they want to hear, when it’s complete and utter bullshit. Pretending to be a totally chill girl who goes with the flow when you’re really a high-strung emotional basketcase is never going to work out in your favor. Eventually you will no longer be “cool” with the fact that the guy you’re sleeping with is only calling you for sex and then kicking you out. Eventually you are going to lose your shit and either rip him a new asshole or have a breakdown, and ugly-cry in front of him like an animal, and then he will think you are legit crazy – the exact opposite of cool. So you’re better off being honest from the start about what you’re ultimately looking for, even if it means giving up someone you’re really into, because that whole fantasy about the guy who has made it very clear that he isn’t looking for a relationship suddenly ending up falling in love with the girl who pretended to be ok with it, never. fucking. happens. Do not even allow yourself to go there, babe.

Stop Giving It Away (and ruining it for the rest of us)

Look, I’m not here to slut shame you… but with that being said, keep it in your fucking pants, bitch! You like sex. Awesome. Welcome to the club. But when you make a guy wait a whole half-a-second to “get it in” you are resigning yourself to being the type of girl that he will never look at as anything more than a piece of ass. And some of you are really fucking bad at this – like you have zero self-control (you may want to consider investing in a vibrator, just saying). Some of you, and you know who you are, will actually meet a guy online, text back and forth all day, and then DRIVE OVER AN HOUR to go to some guy’s house that you’ve never met and fuck him. You cannot seriously be expecting a walk down the aisle after a move like that, regardless of how bold it may be. You’re lucky if you make it out of there alive, you idiot (did your parents teach you nothing??). And P.S.- you’re making the rest of us, who actually have a shred of self-respect, look like prude fucking nuns, so thanks for that. And while we are on the topic of self-respect, do not send a random guy who you just met, and who you might actually be into, naked pictures of yourself. If you’ve met him online you can be fairly certain that he’s received two dozen naked pics in the last 3 days – so your racy shot is literally one of many in a very large collection, and it just makes you come off looking like an ass – no pun intended. On the other hand, if you are not looking for a boyfriend and you just want to get laid with no strings attached, you go do your thing girl!! This advice is purely meant for women seeking potential husbands and baby daddies. And I also think it goes without saying that there is no time in a relationship that is more exciting than that time leading up to the first time you have sex with someone new. So take a step back, keep your clothes on, and enjoy the tease and the anticipation. It’s so worth it in the end…unless he ends up having a micro-penis and then I will agree that you probably would have been better off finding out about that a little bit earlier…

Don’t Be A Stage 5 Clinger

Try to play it cool, girl. Not the “I’m cool with you using me for sex” kind of cool, but the “I’m not secretly picking out wedding dresses” kind of cool. Yes, you’re pretty much a psychopath on the inside, but you need to hide that shit for awhile, at least until you’ve made things official (then go ahead and let your freak flag fly). The surest way to drive a man away is to be all up in his ass 24/7. If you don’t have friends, make them up. Fake having plans. Fake having any kind of life at all. Do not drop everything to go running when he calls you. Do not text him incessently and bug out when he doesn’t respond right away. If he texts you good morning, do not respond with a paragraph. And DO NOT initiate the first phone call. Let him know you like to talk on the phone and then leave it up to him. Nothing will ruin your day more than being sent to voicemail and knowing that he probably looked at your name and rolled his eyes and sighed. He does not need to know that your entire world, happiness, and self-worth revolve around him. Also, do not do crazy shit like buy him expensive gifts or offer him large sums of money when you’ve known the guy for a hot minute. That just reeks of desperation. He may take it, but he won’t respect you for it. Make a dude earn your time and money and you will have a better chance of him sticking around.

Hide Your Crazy

Nothing is more of a turn off than a girl who serves up a list of all of her issues on a silver platter. Your new man does not need to know that you hate your stomach, have daddy issues, don’t particularly love giving blow jobs, get raging PMS and heavy periods, go three days without washing your hair, or that you collect stuffed animals. Hide your embarrasing shit, at least until he’s already fallen in love with you and it’s too late for him. You certainly do not need to highlight your inadequacies and insecurities. Hiding your crazy can be a hard task to accomplish, especially if you have zero self-awareness. So if you’re not even sure about the things in your life that you probably shouldn’t be sharing, do yourself a favor and ask a blunt friend for some brutally honest feedback. It may be hard to hear, but knowing where you suck at life, at least according to others, is worth its weight in gold. Once you know, you can work hard to cover that shit up. Just sweep it right under the rug for now and maybe let it out slowly over time. Because at the end of the day, you gotta be you. You just don’t gotta be you, like all at once, especially if “you” are fucking nuts.

Embrace Domesticity, Or Pretend To

You’re probably not Martha Stewart. And many of us, myself included, were born without the domestic gene. But when it comes to men, as old fashioned as it sounds, being domestically challenged can be a bit of a turn off. I will admit to letting my dishes pile up, going way too long before changing my sheets, and to being a total and utter slob. However, when I first start dating a new man, I do my best to keep that shit under wraps. My house is never cleaner than during the first few months of a relationship nor does my oven ever see so much action. Because just as women love romantic gestures, men love to think that they would be taken care of if they committed to a particular woman – and that includes being fed and picked up after (disclosure – you don’t actually have to continue this charade once you’ve tied him down – this is just necessary during the attraction phase). It’s just the way it is. Learn to embrace it or fake it. We are all guilty of slacking a little on the home front. Hell, even Monica on “Friends” had a closet full of guilt and shame. Shove your shit in a closet, under the bed, in the trunk of you car – wherever, and just fake it for a little while.

Now I know that these might not be popular ideas, and I am sure I will get plenty of hate mail from feminists (and sluts), but welcome to the harsh reality that is dating in this day and age – there are MANY other options out there. If you are annoying as fuck and / or you don’t know how to play the game, a guy will just quickly move on to the next one without giving you a second thought. Your vagina is not made of gold, despite what you may believe. Winning the heart of a good guy is like competing in the hunger games. There is only one winner and the rest of us don’t make it out alive. Ok, well that’s a little dramatic, but we don’t get out unscathed.

And if it makes you feel better – I am guilty of nearly all of these offenses. Except for the giving it up in 2 seconds part. Bitch, please, I’m no dummy -I require at least 2 separate meals and a few drinks before I drop trou…

Except for that one time…

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