There’s a time and a place for a casual-sex relationship, otherwise known as a “friends with benefits” (FWB) relationship or a fuckbuddy (FB). For me, that time is now. After my last soul-sucking pseudo “relationship,” followed by a pretty long dry spell and months of unsuccessful online dating efforts, I have decided that my mind, and my vagina, need a f*cking break already.
They say that when you stop actively looking for love, it tends to fall into your lap. Well in my experience, the only way that I am going to stop “looking” is if I am distracted by some regular penetration. With that in mind, I have made the decision to start getting laid on the reg. But when picking a casual partner, or a f*ckboy, there are some very important rules that one must follow. Remember the goal here is to enjoy yourself and to be distracted enough and satisfied enough that you are no longer spending all of your free time desperately searching for fresh meat on your dating apps. The goal here is not, I repeat NOT, to catch feelings for some random guy that you do not want to actually date in real life.
In order to successfully manage your casual-sex lifestyle, make sure to follow these important rules:
Do pick a guy who is less attractive, intelligent, and successful than you. This will give you a better chance at not letting your orgasmic juices convince you that you are falling in love with this guy.
Don’t pick someone who is ridiculously amazing in bed. The goal here is to find someone who is good enough, but not amazing. If he’s too good, you will want that sh*t every single day, which basically means you will want him to be your boyfriend.
Do pick someone who is your total opposite. This is the only time it’s acceptable to f*ck a Trump supporter if you’re a Bernie or Hillary fan. Obviously under no other circumstances would you sleep with one of those. Since you won’t be dating him or introducing him to anyone, who the hell cares. You’re Miss Prim and Proper? Sleep with the tatted up biker dude. Miss High Standards? Now’s your chance to test drive the too-short to date, boring tech geek. It’s not about finding your soul mate right now. It’s just about getting the D.
Don’t pick someone who you would introduce to your friends or family. No, you’re not looking to f*ck a troll, unless you are…but you’re also not looking to sleep with someone who your friends or family would get really excited about and start pressuring you to date seriously. Some friends / family members literally don’t care anymore who you bring home, they just want you to be in a relationship already. Bring some dude around, and they will be all over your ass trying to convince you that he’s the one. Your best bet – just don’t tell anyone that you’re sleeping with someone.
Do make it clear to your FWB that you are not looking for a relationship. Yes, you have to look out for your own heart here, but it wouldn’t kill you to not try to hurt the guy you’re banging as well. Make sure he understands that this will not turn into anything more and allow him to back out if that’s something he’s not ok with.
Don’t spend quality time together or have sleepover parties. If it’s just sex, then make it just sex. Dinner dates, movie nights, and breakfast in bed will end up blurring the lines for both parties. This is the time when it’s acceptable and preferable to send and receive 11 pm “whatcha doin?”s.
Do continue to go out with your friends, keep your dating profiles active, and continue to date. The beauty of knowing that you have a steady guy on the side will take a sh*tload of pressure off of you and make the whole process of dating less depressing and desperate, and more fun.
Don’t have daily interactions with your f*ck buddy. Texting daily and checking-in turns a casual relationship into an actual relationship. As a general rule of thumb, you should only text with your FB when you’re looking for some action, and on the night that you are looking for it. If you set up getting action in advance, that’s called a date. And dates turn into boyfriends.
Do demand that the guy you are sleeping with is still respectful and kind. Just because you’re not going to marry him doesn’t mean you have to put up with a douchebag who thinks he can treat you like sh*t just because you’re keeping it casual. The same goes for you. You may be using him for sex, but you don’t need to remind him that that’s all he’s good for, even if it is.
Don’t start making demands and getting butthurt if he can’t hang whenever you want. If he is not going to be your sun, moon, and stars, then you can’t expect to be his. Understand that you are probably not going to be the only girl in his life and that he will not always be at your beck and call. If you can’t handle some rejection, you can’t handle this type of relationship.
Do be responsible and stay safe. You can ask where else he’s sticking it, but he doesn’t necessarily have to tell you the truth, although it would be preferable to pick someone that you can be honest about these things with. Regardless, since you’re not exclusive, you should keep that sh*t wrapped up at all times. The opposite of “fun and casual” is sitting spread eagle in a doctors chair and getting warts burned off of your vag.
Follow these rules and take care of you, girl. You deserve it, and so do I.
So. Do. I.