So I’ve gotten back on the horse, so to speak. Well maybe not back on, but I have been inching my way onto the saddle. After taking a couple of months off of dating, or rather attempted dating, I am giving the whole “hunt for my future husband” (hahaha, who are we kidding, more like the guy who I can hang out with, sleep with, and order in take-out with on a somewhat consistent basis) another try. I guess you can say that things are going slightly better this time around, if by better you mean that I have a few new phone numbers in my phone. However, as with most things in life, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
They say that just like assholes, everyone has an opinion. And just like assholes, most of those opinions usually stink. Well I’m pretty sure that this can be said of the opinions and “advice” of my married friends and relatives when it comes to discussing my love life, or lack thereof.
So let’s assume for a moment that you’re a dude. And let’s assume that you are currently on several online dating websites and apps. Now let’s take a real leap of faith and assume that you are actually looking for a relationship, and not just to get laid...crazy, I know.
How’s that been going for you?
For some men, online dating is like a virtual mall of pretty women who they can put into their shopping carts while they decide whether or not they want to buy them. Those men have an easy time finding women who will interact with them and who will actually meet them in person. Whether or not those men are totally sincere or complete dicks is to be determined, but the reality is, when it comes to sealing the deal (whether that meets getting a phone number, a date, a relationship, or just getting laid), they are successful. So why aren’t you?
Regret. What an ugly word…
Regret is the type of word that leaves a bitter aftertaste when it comes out of your mouth. And it should – because it has such an awful connotation. To regret means to acknowledge that you have made some terrible decisions and to wish that you could go back in time and do things over.
Lately I have been having a lot of regrets.
- I regret not fighting harder for my marriage.
- I regret wasting my time on the wrong people.
- I regret swiping right.
- I regret making decisions that I am no longer sure I should have made.
- I regret starting some relationships and ending others.
I know I’ve told you before that when it comes to dating, that sometimes it really is the woman who is the problem. Sometimes YOU are the reason you’re still single. And I still stand by that statement. However, as we all know, sometimes it really is that douchebag that you unfortunately fell for that is the reason why things could never have worked out. Sure, we have all made terrible choices, and many times we have done stupid things that have caused relationships to fail, in which instances things really were our own fault. Other times though, we were just unlucky enough to fall for the bullshit of a guy who is actually afraid of being with a real woman. A strong woman.
And aside from perhaps ignoring the many bright red flags waving in the wind (wake up bitch!), telling you that this guy is a totally phony, falling for a guy who is too pathetic to handle a real woman…? That is never your fault!
It has become evident that I am slightly obsessed with the fact that I am in my mid 30’s and currently single with no prospects on the horizon. I’ve spent some time during my recent dating hiatus trying to figure out why this has become an obsession of mine (I mean, I started a blog about it for f*ck’s sake!), and I have reached certain conclusions.
As my love sabbatical reaches its final weeks, I’ve had some time to ponder about why I despise online dating as much as I do. For one thing, I find the whole idea to be completely unnatural, but that’s probably because in my mind it’s still 1995 and my see-through pager clipped onto my waistband is my most technologically advanced mode of communication. I suppose I should just accept that this is how shit works these days, but I don’t roll like that. I always want to fight the system. Basically, I’m a pain in the ass.
When I graduated college, I was pretty certain that it would just be a matter of time before I met some amazing guy, got married, and started a family. After all, I was in my early 20’s, had escaped 4 years of undergrad without gaining any weight, and was working in Manhattan for a brag-worthy company (making pennies, but still)! And since I have zero ability to live in the moment, along with a glass-half-empty outlook on life, it was not surprising that I began to preemptively stress over what experiences I might not have before I ended up marrying the last man I would ever sleep with. Not that I was totally inexperienced or a prude, but there were definitely some things that I had yet to have done, sexually speaking. Contemplating a future with one, and only one sexual partner, prompted me to create my own little bucket list – a sexual bucket list, if you will, that I decided I would have to complete before my upcoming matrimony to my then unidentified future husband.
Even though I recently put my list of non-negotiable out into the world in the hopes that the universe would deliver me my perfect man, I have decided that while I wait for Mother Nature to do her thing, I am going to be taking a little dating hiatus, or love sabbatical, as I like to call it.
I’m really not sure why I even bother to get my hopes up anymore when it comes to dating. Yet, once again, I’ve found myself disappointed after what I thought may have been a potentially decent candidate. Mike sent me a message on one of my dating apps. He appeared cute, in an understated way, and a little nerdy. Totally not my type at all, but his profile seemed above-average normal, he was within my desired age bracket, and he lived less than 50 miles away (score!). Besides, he sent a cute first message, which consisted of more than “hi” or “omg you’re so beautiful, how are you singl…”(snore.) So I decided to play along and respond, especially since I’ve been getting major shit from my friends for being “too picky” lately (sometimes I let them watch me swipe through Tinder. Bad move.)