The List: If You Build It, He Will Come (he f#cking better!)

List

I’m really not sure why I even bother to get my hopes up anymore when it comes to dating. Yet, once again, I’ve found myself disappointed after what I thought may have been a potentially decent candidate. Mike sent me a message on one of my dating apps. He appeared cute, in an understated way, and a little nerdy. Totally not my type at all, but his profile seemed above-average normal, he was within my desired age bracket, and he lived less than 50 miles away (score!). Besides, he sent a cute first message, which consisted of more than “hi” or “omg you’re so beautiful, how are you singl…”(snore.) So I decided to play along and respond, especially since I’ve been getting major shit from my friends for being “too picky” lately (sometimes I let them watch me swipe through Tinder. Bad move.)

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Catfished – Part 1

catfished

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…well for a lot of people at least. For some of us, not so much. As we are in the midst of the holiday season with Christmas soon approaching, most people are looking forward to spending time celebrating with their families, and perhaps reminiscing of holidays past. For me, however, this particular Christmas certainly has me reminiscing, but not about warm and fuzzy memories.

It was Christmas day last year, when the guy that I had been speaking to for the past 3 months called me up from his “mother’s” house and said a quick hello while his “nieces and nephews” were screaming in the background. I remember being really happy to have received that call considering how rough things had been the two months prior. Perhaps I should backtrack…

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Nice to meet you…now show me your t*ts

tinder

Two nights ago I was texting with a guy I had matched with on Tinder about a week earlier. We had been texting via the app for about 5 days and had just exchanged numbers so that we could bring our conversation offline. He seemed pretty normal so far, had a pretty good sense of humor, and had asked some general questions about my life and had checked in during the course of the week to see how my days had been going. We both mentioned that we were looking for something more serious at this point in our lives, so seemingly we were on the same page. But that night, inevitably the conversation turned sexual. Continue reading

Always the bridesmaid…What it’s like to always be the girl before THE girl

What it’s like to always be the girl before THE girl

I haven’t had much luck when it comes to love (shocking, I know). Sure I’ve been in several long term relationships, and was even married for a little while, but I’ve never been able to make anything stick. Whether they left me, I left them, or we mutually agreed to split, the culminating result has always been the same – I always ended up being the last girl before they met THE girl. Continue reading

It’s Not You, It’s You…

single

So, you’ve been single for awhile? Feeling a little down and out? Wondering why you keep finding yourself in one dead-end relationship after another; why every new guy who gets you a little excited and hopeful just ends up turning into another typical douchebag?

Well let me shoot it to you straight. It’s not you. You’re great (unless you’re not)! BUT, your game could definitely use some help. It’s possible that you are committing relationship sabotage and you don’t even know it. So with that in mind, here are some useful tips that may help prevent you from fucking up the next good thing that comes along:

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A Tale of Two Singles

two-women-on-sea-sunny-beach-holiday

There are two types of single women out there. Well ok, there are a lot more than two “types” of single women, but for the purpose of this blog I’m going to narrow it down to just two – single girl before 30 and single girl after 30, or B30 and A30. Both girls may be single at the exact same time, but they lead dramatically different lives.

I’ve spent some years being single both in my 20’s and in my 30’s, so I would consider myself to be an expert on this topic, and I can tell you that every time I hear a single girl in her 20’s complain about her singledom, I want to punch her in her throat.

These are the many ways that being single in your 20’s is a fucking cakewalk compared to being single in your 30’s:

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152 Hours of My Life That I Can Never Get Back

morning-time-alarm-bell

I once spent 13 hours talking on the phone with a guy I met online. THIRTEEN HOURS! We had exchanged a few messages, then exchanged numbers, and then spent the entire night, until sunrise, telling each other our entire life stories. Conversation came so easily that the hours flew by before we even knew it. Needless to say I was pretty excited to meet him… which we were obviously going to do… because who spends 13 hours on the phone with someone and then doesn’t want to meet them? Right?? The next night we spoke for about another 6 hours – planning our first date as well as naming our future children together. We made plans to meet the following weekend. Then the night before we were supposed to meet, he sent me a text telling me that he had to leave on a “last minute business trip.” I never heard from him again. (P.S. He had the balls to check out my profile again a few months later. BALLS.)

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The 7 Year Itch That Nobody’s Scratching

itch

I feel like I’ve heard about the so-called 50% divorce rate for as long as I can remember. But lately I am struggling to figure out where exactly these “experts” are getting their numbers from, especially since I seem to be the only girl that I know sitting home on the weekends with my thumb up my ass, while all of my friends are hanging with their husbands and kids. I am on nearly every dating site imaginable, and at this point I can’t open up an app without recognizing dozens of guys that I’ve already ignored on some other app. It’s the same sea of faces over and over again wherever I turn. And it blows. These “dating apps” used to at least be able to amuse and entertain me if nothing else, but they don’t even do that anymore. All they do now is create a sense of panic as I begin to realize that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. I practically shit myself with excitement on the rare occasion that a new and attractive profile of a single man appears. However the hyperventilation and underboob sweat quickly subsides when I reach out to him and never hear back. I think it may be easier to catch Bigfoot than it is to catch the eye of any newbies, since they immediately get swarmed by all of the other piranhas the minute they create their profiles. The idea of fighting for a man’s attention is about as appealing to me as a yeast infection…

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My Vagina is a Bossy C*nt Who’s Ruining My Life

vagina

I’ve decided that if I am really going to blame anyone for my current situation I am going to blame my vagina. In fact, I have decided that I hold her 99% responsible for the demise of every single one of my relationships. Now don’t get me wrong, she and I have been besties for a while (except for that 7 year period in which she completely abandoned me during my marriage – but more on that at another time). In fact, she has become the one friend that I can count on to almost always make me happy….which is why it’s hard for me to say this – but I fucking hate the bitch.

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