A Tale of Two Singles


There are two types of single women out there. Well ok, there are a lot more than two “types” of single women, but for the purpose of this blog I’m going to narrow it down to just two – single girl before 30 and single girl after 30, or B30 and A30. Both girls may be single at the exact same time, but they lead dramatically different lives.

I’ve spent some years being single both in my 20’s and in my 30’s, so I would consider myself to be an expert on this topic, and I can tell you that every time I hear a single girl in her 20’s complain about her singledom, I want to punch her in her throat.

These are the many ways that being single in your 20’s is a fucking cakewalk compared to being single in your 30’s:

  • You have many more single friends to go out with. In your 20’s at least half, if not more, of your friends are still single. So while weekends don’t mean snuggling up with your significant other and / or definitive sex, they still mean showering, getting dressed and going out with your girls which at least may result in sex, or if nothing else some laughs with your friends. Whereas in your 30’s you’re lucky to have one or two single friends and even luckier if they are childless and can actually go out on the weekends. More often than not, weekends are spent home alone in sweatpants, with a bag of chips, cheap wine, and sole authority of the remote control. Sometimes you may even spend a Saturday night doing laundry or paying your bills online. Living the life!
  • There are more single men for women your age. When you do go out, assuming it’s to places that cater to your age group, you don’t have to spend as much time looking at the ring fingers of any good looking guys. In your 20’s, you still live in a world where most of the guys you meet out are, in fact, single. They may not necessarily be looking for their future wife, but they are less likely to actually have a wife. In your 30’s, if you are ever in a social setting with people your age, you can pretty much guarantee that any guy you start talking to is either wearing a ring, hiding a ring, or is in the process of buying a ring.  The single guys are probably hanging out at the bars with the single 20-year olds.
  • Your eggs are still fresh. No need to have sleepless nights over your empty womb or start researching the cost of freezing your eggs, those puppies still have some good years left. Most of your friends don’t have kids yet, and those that do usually become the outcasts after the initial novelty of going to their homes and holding their spitting-up babies wear off. In your 30’s, nearly all of your friends have babies and now they’re the ones looking at you with sympathy, while they mentally calculate out how old you will be when you have your last kid, if you were to get pregnant today and have at least 2 children before menopause. At 35 you are officially considered “high risk” if you get pregnant.  Ain’t nothing sexy about that.
  • You can still get away with living with a roommate. You may be single, but you don’t have to be lonely. In your 20’s it’s still socially acceptable to live like a college kid and share your space with other singles. It certainly makes life a little less lonely and a little more fun. In your 30’s, however, living with a roommate becomes about as pathetic as living with your parents. For whatever reason you are expected to be more independent and more mature now, which means being forced to live alone, with a pet as your only option for companionship.
  • You aren’t the talk of the family – yet. If you’re still single in your 20’s, your family worries for you, but knows that you still have plenty of time to settle down. If you’re still single in your 30’s, your family begins to question your sexuality, finds pointing out your personality flaws to be an acceptable topic of conversation at holiday meals, pities you behind your back to one another over the phone, reminds you of your ticking biological clock, and tries to set you up with trolls because “something is better than nothing” as far as they’re concerned.
  • Your options are significantly better and have less baggage. Let’s be real – men in their 20’s are usually pretty clean slates. Maybe they’ve had their hearts broken, maybe they’ve broken a few themselves, but they certainly haven’t been put through the ringer, whereas single men in their 30’s are wracked with issues. If a guy is still single in his 30’s he’s either spent over a decade unsuccessfully trying to land himself a wife, not trying to land a wife because he was too busy setting records with how many women he could fuck, or he’s been married and subsequently divorced (and very likely has kids to show for it). All three scenarios equal major baggage.
  • You’re still probably smoking hot. Not to knock ladies in their 30’s or older, because let’s be real, we are still pretty fucking hot, some of us even hotter than ever, BUT, stereotypically, women in their 20’s are still pretty much at their peak. In your 20’s (if you are taking care of yourself, obviously) your tits, your ass, and your metabolism are still high, your skin and hair are still incredibly healthy, and wrinkles, stretch marks, and varicose veins are things only your mother has. The only thing you should be worrying about is how big your thigh gap is compared to last month, and whether or not you should bleach your asshole with your best friend next weekend. However, by your 30’s shit begins to fall apart for some of us. Not wearing a bra can be risky, thongs are no longer flattering, skinny-fat is your new body type (if you’re lucky), previously lasered hair is beginning to grow back along with hair you’ve never had, and suddenly you have to start worrying about your hands looking old. Your hands!

The struggle is real my friends.

So the next time you’re out at a bar on a Saturday night, and you hear some whiny, 20-something bitching to all of her other single friends about how hard her life is without a boyfriend, while a dozen single men her age are doing shots a few feet away from her, do me a favor and kick her in her fucking twat for me. And then tell her to enjoy those buffalo wings and mozzarella sticks while she still can. Because in 10 years if she’s still single…shit’s about to get real!

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3 thoughts on “A Tale of Two Singles

  1. “The only thing you should be worrying about is how big your thigh gap is compared to last month, and whether or not you should bleach your asshole with your best friend next weekend” Bwahahahahahahahaha!!

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